Off to Camp!

My week has been fun and busy. Busy and fun. Fun fun fun, and busy, busy, busy. This past week, I was in Maine, which was fantastic. My friends, S, Z and T, let's call them, came with me, and we had a blast. We went shopping in Portland, and went to the beach a lot. The water's so cold there! And while it was in the 70s and 80s in Maine, it was in the 90s and 100s in New York. HAH!

I came home on Friday, and this morning I visited my twin brother J at his camp in MA. We went out to lunch with our parents and my dog, and we found Alice's Resteraunt (the one from that Woody Guthry song). It was cool. I got stationary. Then we went to my dad's house and had dinner with my grandpa who recently moved in. He's been in poor health, but he seemed a lot more happy and energetic, probably because my dog was there. He likes dogs. He should get one when his health improves.

Around 8 was when I got home, and because my camp doesn't offer computers or internet access, this shall be my last post for a month, unless in two weeks I can visit the town's library during Visiting Day and sneak a post...

Can't wait for camp tomorrow! Hope you all have a wonderful, happy and healthy summer! My goal is to build a bit of muscle in camp. There's tons to do, so I'll never be caught chilling in my bunk ;)

-Unknown Athena

Cured?

Just got back from the nutritionist. I hadn't seen her in a really long time (maybe a month or so?), so we had a nice little chat. We were talking about my "feelings" about my eating disorder. Do I define myself by my eating disorder. What does my eating disorder mean to me? All that kind of stuff. She thinks that this will be one of the last times I'll see her in her office again!

But does that mean I'm cured? Will my eating disorder vanish? Will Ana ever come back? Will I remember her if she returns? I'm kind of confused as to whether or not I can call myself "cured" or anorexia and depression. I still get depressed. I still feel fat, but does that make me an anorexic? Even if it lingers like old perfume, will I still be able to say I'm "cured"? I'm not sure if I can let it all go yet. I spent so much time on Ana: tracking calories, exercising my a** off, restricting, skipping social events... Can I really just blow it off like dust?

Hope you are enjoying the Summer!

-Unknown Athena

Feeling Fat in NYC

Hey everybody! So today I went to NYC, because my mom and my aunt were going to see a play. They have some subscription thing to see a play every month, because they flipping love the theatre. I came along to hang out with my cousin whom I haven't seen in forever. She's an EMS, and is pretty much always on the job. We hung out while our moms watched their play. They said it was about some guy who had a 6 foot 3 imaginary friend that was a bunny... Strange, but okay. So my cousin and I went to the big Forever 21 with 5 floors, and "window shopped" because all the things I tried on didn't fit me and the one shirt I liked didn't have my size. Go figure, we weren't meant to be :(. Then we went to Godiva where my other cousin works and got two free chocolates. Once we left the nice air-conditioned chocolate haven, we went to Aeropostale because my cousin (who is 22 now) wanted to get shirts. When Aeropostale had a sale, GO. The shirts were 2 for $10, and usually $30 each. I am not going to shell out that kind of money for a shirt worth less than $10, so it was good. I didn't get anything, but my cousin got some stuff. After that, we went to Sephora where I got some Hello Kitty perfume and my birthday gift from them, a fresh lip set. It smells really good. I can't wait to use them!

Once we were done with that, we met back up with our moms and my cousin who works at Godiva came and we ate some Thai food. It was good, but really filling. I had chicken Pad Thai, which is like full flavor and fat city. I ate a lot because my mom was watching me the whole time like I would die if I didn't eat every flipping bite. Then she made me have some sticky rice which tasted like nothing, and some mango ice cream that was more like ice than cream. At least we got to go to Sanrio afterwards. My old Hello Kitty lunchbox is "too small" (a.k.a. normal sized, but my mom, who rules my life, says I need another one), I needed another one. I got a cute hemp-like bag to serve as a new lunch box. It's cute. I like it.

Once I came home and walked the pup, my mom drilled me into eating half a bag of Nestle Dark Chocolate Morsels. I feel sick now. I was never a bulemic, but I want to throw up right now. I just feel like total $h!t. Ever had one of those moments? Yeah, that's me right now. After a real good day, it kind of stinks to feel this way.

I've been having the worst sleeping habits recently. I've gone to bed around two am and waking up between 10 and 12 noon. Maybe when my mom falls asleep (she's a deep sleeper), I can get in a quick workout in the basement. Hopefully the dog doesn't bark or anything. She's not much of a music pup. I don't understand her at all.

Hope you all had a spectacular day. Stay strong!

-Unknown Athena

Tell It Like It Is!

I follow lots of blogs, and even though some of them can be a bit dreary and unhelpful towards my recovery, they are so true! I was reading one blog, called (Size) Zero Intentions, and one of her posts made me almost jump up and want to shout and run around and do happy dances. Though I have never experienced these "haters", I think they should leave. Now. Silent haters, I don't mind. Hate in your mind, not on the internet, or to anyone or anywhere else for that matter. Click here to read the post. She should get a cyber hug for that. I'm actually a pretty shy person in real life, but on the internet, I'm a lot more out there, if that makes any sense. I'm not as afraid to speak my mind as in school or at home where my twin brother judges me like there's no flipping tomorrow. I've probably said this a million times, but we are polar opposites. He's sporty, and I'm lazy. I get good grades, he's average. We're different.

On another (and happier) note, I got to finally go swimming at my friend's pool. It's been really really hot, so when she called me, I practically wanted to run to her house, even though it's on the other side of town. So I went swimming, and got some exercise in, even though I had biked a few miles before in the terrible heat. Hopefully I can build some muscle in camp so when volleyball season starts, maybe I'll be a starting player on the team. Only 6 are allowed on the court at a time, so it's a real jungle trying to get the coach to both like you and think you're good.

Don't die in the heat my darlings xx

-Unknown Athena

P.S. I feel lonely sometimes... Don't be afraid to comment! I like to know that someone out there reads this :)

Nothing Can Compare to the Lack of Posting...

Oh hey guys, so, I haven't checked in with you for quite some time... I'm really sorry about that. My life has been really really busy lately, so the computer has felt like miles away from me. But I shall put my whole life from last time I posted until now in a pretty way, if you want to read it...

June 22nd, 2012:
I celebrated my last day of school (though I hadn't been in school since the 20th), and my birthday a day early. I had a BBQ at the park with a bunch of my friends, and we had a pretty good time, nix the rain, thunder and lightning. Hey, at least we got front row seats, if you know what I mean. We all hid under the pavillion like idiots, and blew bubbles while we waited for it to stop thundering. We were right there, near the water. It was both frightning and exillerating!

June 23rd, 2012:
My birthday! Except I didn't really spend it on myself. That morning, I went to my neighbor's bar mitzvah, which was okay, because I only went to the morning services. It was kinda cute, because my neighbor loves baseball. I mean, he really loves baseball, so the whole thing revolved around that. Then I slept a bit afterwards and went to my first Sweet 16. It was awesome, I'm not gonna lie. There was a Japanese theme, so there were candles and pink shells and origami people on the tables... It was seriously awesome! Plus it was at a fancy shmancy place, so that was a plus.

June 24th, 2012:
This day was fun, as well as (mostly) the whole week. I started volleyball camp at the high school, and I worked on my serve and hits. I was mainly helping the little kids, so they all looked up to me like I was God, along with a few of my friends from the volleyball team. Apparently I'm Queen of the Floor Nation, because I dove for the ball a lot and somehow ending up on the floor after almost every single play.

June 25th, 2012:
Had to help my dad and grandpa pack. My grandpa's kid sister passed away earlier this month, and my grandpa passed a few years ago, so he's going to move in with my dad. My really snotty aunt came over the next day and took all of my grandma's old jewelry. She brought my cousins, so my grandpa couldn't complain. I seriously want to kick my aunt in the vagina... She left nothing for me. She hadn't talked to my grandpa in almost 2 freaking years, and then just comes over and takes all of grandma's things, and leaves. What a bitch, I tell you!

June 26th, 2012:
Had to go to the doctor's office to get a physical; height, weight, blood pressure, all that jazz. Then I had to get two shots, for reasons I'm not really sure of. If I didn't tell you yet, I have the biggest fear of needles, ever, it's ridiculous! One of them was a two-part thing, so I have to go back in December to get the second half. I was a crying mess. I was shaking and bawling like a baby. My right arm got the shot that went into my muscle, so it was sore for a few days. The left arn got the other one, so it wasn't so bad. But still, I hate myself for being such a baby.

June 27th and 28th, 2012:
Flipping heat waves, enough said. Volleyball was hell because the gym felt like a million and two degrees F.

June 29th, 2012:
Because I was too much of a bloody, bawling mess on Wednesday, I had to go back to get bloodwork done on Friday. I was hyperventilating and shivering, and felt like I had a hangover afterwards (I've never been drunk or hungover, so I'm just using the word from what I've been told) because I was really dizzy. Then I went home and played with Delilah, so it was better

June 30th, 2012:
Got my late grandma's sewing machine back. It's from the 1950's (I think the guy at the Singer Store said 1955 was when they were manufactured), and hadn't been used in a good ten years or so, and it really needed some TLC. Me and my dad tried oiling it with 3-in-1 oil that you would use in cars... Bad idea. But the people over at the Singer Store fixed it up and now it runs perfect! After we took the sewing machine back, my dad and I went over to the diner and had lunch. Being in a fat-feeling mood, I got a salad with grilled chicken and honey mustard. It was pretty good and filling.

July 1st, 2012:
Felt like shit, so I literally slept all day. My mom woke me up for meals, but other than that, I slept like a baby.

July 2nd, 2012:
More shit-feeling, but less. My mom forced me to go to Kohls to get bras and shorts for camp, because I'm lacking proper shorts (they have to touch your thumbs or lower when your arms are at your sides...) and bras that actually fit me... Then I went home and slept more. I swear I'm becoming more and more like an owl... Or just a fat bear who hibernates during the summer.

So that is my life up until now. Hope you didn't fall asleep. My life isn't all fun and games, it's actually quite boring :\

Hope you stay cool in the heat! xx

-Unknown Athena