Sophomore Year = HELLLLLLLLLL

   So I haven't posted in a while... Please don't shoot me! I've been SO busy. The homework load for Algebra 2/Trig., AP World, Chemistry, Spanish and Studio Art are MASSIVE. I have a problem set, textbook work in AP World and A2T, a lab for Chemistry to finish, a million and six verbs to memorize for Spanish 3, and finish a bunch of sketchbook things for art.

   Oh yeah, and I have 3 hours of volleyball a day, and games go on until around 7-8 pm. And my mom makes me eat like a pig... And I'm on my period, so I'm fat as hell and I'm breaking out :(

   I want to crawl into a hole and come out only when high school is over for the year....

-Unknown Athena

Cured?

Just got back from the nutritionist. I hadn't seen her in a really long time (maybe a month or so?), so we had a nice little chat. We were talking about my "feelings" about my eating disorder. Do I define myself by my eating disorder. What does my eating disorder mean to me? All that kind of stuff. She thinks that this will be one of the last times I'll see her in her office again!

But does that mean I'm cured? Will my eating disorder vanish? Will Ana ever come back? Will I remember her if she returns? I'm kind of confused as to whether or not I can call myself "cured" or anorexia and depression. I still get depressed. I still feel fat, but does that make me an anorexic? Even if it lingers like old perfume, will I still be able to say I'm "cured"? I'm not sure if I can let it all go yet. I spent so much time on Ana: tracking calories, exercising my a** off, restricting, skipping social events... Can I really just blow it off like dust?

Hope you are enjoying the Summer!

-Unknown Athena

Valentines Day...

I actually had a very uneventful Valentines Day, as expected. If fat were a feeling though, I would have felt fat all day: I got chocolate from two friends, sweet-hearts (the one's with the odd sayings that make no sense... "Jump 4 Me"? Really? My friend scratched off the "4" so it said "Jump Me"... Very funny... Moving on...), cookies, rice-krispie treats, brownies... Oh, there is more, but I'm tired and sick and stressed and ULH JUST 2 MORE DAYS 'TILL BREAK! Did I tell you that my mom is ditching me to go to California with her friend for a week? Nice one, mom. Whatever, I'm going to Maine with a friend because apparentally it's illegal for me to stay home alone for a week (though re-inacting Home Alone 1 would be interesting).
Back to Valentines Day, I was sitting in Spanish with my guy friend, let's call him A, and finishing some print out or "photocopia" my teacher says. Then these two kids sitting on the other side of the classroom (the teacher was outside doing oral tests one by one), let's call then G and J, say "OMG JUST GO OUT ALREADY!". My response: "?"
I've never really thought about A that way. He's great, really. He's funny, smart, and understanding. But I can't get my mind around us "going out", whatever that means for a Freshman in high school. We can't drink, we can't drive, we can't even go to a resteraunt without having to have a parent drive us. It doesn't make sense! So now my face gets hot and I barely make out an excuse for not dating. A backs me up, too, saying "We're just friends" and all, but I can't stop thinking about it. It's so... Ack I can't even describe how weird that would be! Anyways, I'm not really a perfect girl for a relationship. For one thing, I have anorexia and depression. Secondly, I'm like a giraffe and my skin isn't 100% flawless. I'm not thin nor fat. Not smart nor dumb. I'm average. That word irks me. Average. It's not exeptional, but it doesn't suck. Like me.

How did everyone else's Valentines Days go? I hope they weren't as awkward as mine!

-Unknown Athena

May the Gods be with you... Despite it's corniness I like it!

To be or not to be, THAT is the question

This week I've been debating whether or not I consider myself to be pro-ana. I finally realized what the term "pro-ana" means a month or so ago; it means to be for anorexia. My former self was all for it, and I almost killed myself with the damn disease! But now that I'm recovering, I'm not so sure what I think of it. Anorexia is no joke. Anorexia can't just be erased. I still sometimes think of fasting or dieting or over-exersizing or giving away my food (which I still do... sometimes). I know it's not good and I shouldn't be doing it, but I can't help it. The ED (eating-disorder) still manifests within myself. I still pick the "safe" foods over the fatty, other choices, but I at least know that I'm doing something wrong. Look up the song "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin' Park. That song pretty much sums up how I felt pre-hospital, pre-relapse, and every now and again. Uuuuuulh my mind is spinning and I really don't like it!

-Uknown Athena

P.S. I have so much homework! I have Japanese, science, math, and a TON of English homework! Wish me luck while I bust my goddess-booty finishing it all while watching my guilty pleasure, Cupcake Wars :-)