Crack

   Today was interesting, it had it's ups and downs. I guess the only thing I'll share today was in health class. Don't get me wrong, I love health class, and the teacher (she's WONDERFUL!), but today, I cracked a bit.

   Even though I've patched up the pieces of myself from my eating disorder a while ago, I couldn't help but feel my throat tighten and tear up when we got to the topic of eating disorders. Of course, I knew almost as much (if not equally) about eating disorders as my teacher, and I know I should ignore it, but then she said, "eating disorders never fully go away from the mind", I started crying a bit. Luckily, she didn't notice a thing.

   At lunch, I felt fat as f*ck from that (I have health right before lunch two out of the eight days in my school's cycle), so when I went to the local coffee shop to get hot cocoa, I ordered a small rather than a large, with skin milk, and no marshmallows or whipped cream. It tasted okay, but my sh!tty body image made it taste worse. The fact that I felt the need to order a more diet-y version of my favorite drink made me feel like sh!t.

On a brighter note, I only have maybe three to four hours of homework this weekend, then studying! Party! -____-

 

Stay Strong and Carry On xx,

Unknown Athena

Cured?

Just got back from the nutritionist. I hadn't seen her in a really long time (maybe a month or so?), so we had a nice little chat. We were talking about my "feelings" about my eating disorder. Do I define myself by my eating disorder. What does my eating disorder mean to me? All that kind of stuff. She thinks that this will be one of the last times I'll see her in her office again!

But does that mean I'm cured? Will my eating disorder vanish? Will Ana ever come back? Will I remember her if she returns? I'm kind of confused as to whether or not I can call myself "cured" or anorexia and depression. I still get depressed. I still feel fat, but does that make me an anorexic? Even if it lingers like old perfume, will I still be able to say I'm "cured"? I'm not sure if I can let it all go yet. I spent so much time on Ana: tracking calories, exercising my a** off, restricting, skipping social events... Can I really just blow it off like dust?

Hope you are enjoying the Summer!

-Unknown Athena

A Won Failure for Me!

Hey guys! My week has been decent so far. I have a science test 8th period that I barely studied for, and an outline for an essay for Romeo and Juliet due tomorrow. Yesterday, I went to a track meet, home, us against the town next to us. Their guys were really fast, and wrecked our guys. Our cgirls killed their girls. I did high jump and discus. For high jump, I jumped 3'6", which sucked. My seed is 4'6"... For discus, my best was 48'8". I'm not sure which place I got, but I know I wasn't last! My twin brother did well in his events too. I'm so jealous of him; he can literally eat ANYTHING he wants to eat, from salad to cookies to oil-drenched pizza and steak, and still doesn't gain weight! So many guys think that a girl's dream is to meet their perfect man. BULLSHIT. A girl's number 1 dream is to be able to eat anything they want and not get fat!

-Unknown Athena

Valentines Day...

I actually had a very uneventful Valentines Day, as expected. If fat were a feeling though, I would have felt fat all day: I got chocolate from two friends, sweet-hearts (the one's with the odd sayings that make no sense... "Jump 4 Me"? Really? My friend scratched off the "4" so it said "Jump Me"... Very funny... Moving on...), cookies, rice-krispie treats, brownies... Oh, there is more, but I'm tired and sick and stressed and ULH JUST 2 MORE DAYS 'TILL BREAK! Did I tell you that my mom is ditching me to go to California with her friend for a week? Nice one, mom. Whatever, I'm going to Maine with a friend because apparentally it's illegal for me to stay home alone for a week (though re-inacting Home Alone 1 would be interesting).
Back to Valentines Day, I was sitting in Spanish with my guy friend, let's call him A, and finishing some print out or "photocopia" my teacher says. Then these two kids sitting on the other side of the classroom (the teacher was outside doing oral tests one by one), let's call then G and J, say "OMG JUST GO OUT ALREADY!". My response: "?"
I've never really thought about A that way. He's great, really. He's funny, smart, and understanding. But I can't get my mind around us "going out", whatever that means for a Freshman in high school. We can't drink, we can't drive, we can't even go to a resteraunt without having to have a parent drive us. It doesn't make sense! So now my face gets hot and I barely make out an excuse for not dating. A backs me up, too, saying "We're just friends" and all, but I can't stop thinking about it. It's so... Ack I can't even describe how weird that would be! Anyways, I'm not really a perfect girl for a relationship. For one thing, I have anorexia and depression. Secondly, I'm like a giraffe and my skin isn't 100% flawless. I'm not thin nor fat. Not smart nor dumb. I'm average. That word irks me. Average. It's not exeptional, but it doesn't suck. Like me.

How did everyone else's Valentines Days go? I hope they weren't as awkward as mine!

-Unknown Athena

May the Gods be with you... Despite it's corniness I like it!

No Pain, No Game

Joy. I have a stomach ache. It hurts. I'm sad. I'm tired. I feel like a whiny brat. Ulh. No me gusta PMSing. I've been eating pretty well this week; my nutritionist seems a bit happier about my weight, even though I only gained like, two ounces this week. I would post a picture of a scale or an apple or a happy face but NO, that my friend is copyright infringement, and I could get my blog shut down. I think when the Mayans prophesized the end of the world being 2012, I think they ment the free internet. Evil Lamar S. Smith just had to start the dumb SOPA. I know I know, it's all about stopping piracy, but I don't want all my social networks to perish! This a generation that pretty much depends on technology for everything, and if Tumblr, Twitter, Blogspot, dA, Facebook, Flickr, etc. get shut down, I'm gonna cry. CRY MY EYES OUT. There won't be any Shane Dawson! There won't be any using of Wikipedia to aid my homework slumps! And there WON'T BE ANY FUNNY PICTURES COMING UP ON MY TUMBLR DASHBOARD! Let's just say I like my Tumblr very much. It's like Ativan; an escape from my BS reality I call life. Oh gods and godesses above, did you know this was going to happen? Why didn't you tell me? :(

-Unknown Athena

To be or not to be, THAT is the question

This week I've been debating whether or not I consider myself to be pro-ana. I finally realized what the term "pro-ana" means a month or so ago; it means to be for anorexia. My former self was all for it, and I almost killed myself with the damn disease! But now that I'm recovering, I'm not so sure what I think of it. Anorexia is no joke. Anorexia can't just be erased. I still sometimes think of fasting or dieting or over-exersizing or giving away my food (which I still do... sometimes). I know it's not good and I shouldn't be doing it, but I can't help it. The ED (eating-disorder) still manifests within myself. I still pick the "safe" foods over the fatty, other choices, but I at least know that I'm doing something wrong. Look up the song "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin' Park. That song pretty much sums up how I felt pre-hospital, pre-relapse, and every now and again. Uuuuuulh my mind is spinning and I really don't like it!

-Uknown Athena

P.S. I have so much homework! I have Japanese, science, math, and a TON of English homework! Wish me luck while I bust my goddess-booty finishing it all while watching my guilty pleasure, Cupcake Wars :-)

So scared, EEP!

I'm nervous. It's Christmas Eve. I'm going to my grandpa's house, and it may be his last. He's 87 years old, and though I hate to think about it, he may not be around much longer. Also, my dad is cooking. We were originally going to go out to a diner to eat (where I could get a salad with grilled chicken or some other healthy alternative to greasy-fatty food), but apparently the diner closes at 3 pm, so now I'm going to have to keep my cool while consuming 1500+ calories from my dads completely authentic Italian food. He uses whole-milk cheeses and everything. Olive oil (it's good for you, but I'm still fearing those damn lipids), whole milk cheese, fried chicken cutlets... Oh Gods! I really hope I can pull through. I'm seeing family who have heard about my anrexia-episode too, so they're probably going to force me to eat a lot. EEP HELP ME! I'm worried!

-Unknown Athena

P.S. This probably won't post because I'm using my mom's laptop and my brother will never get off the "family" computer, so this may or may not go up after I actually wrote the post. Sorry Gods and Goddesses :(

P.P.S. Happy Holidays everyone!

Just keep Typing, Just keep Typing...

Hey all! Currently in in school working on an English research project. I just finished the things I had to do, but now there's nothing else I need to do here! I gave out a lot of gifts today, and my friends are really happy. One of them was tearing up, which made me tear up. Don't you love the feeling when someone is genuinely happy with what you did? I've just experianced another first, and it feels really sweet! Last night I stayed up untill 11:30 pm making snickerdoodles and cards for my friends. My really good friends got scarves and hats that I made them, and now they're wearing them around school! :) I'm so happy beyond belief! And it's almost Christmas. Last Christmas I was in the hospital, which sucked arse. But this year, that's not going to happen. I will stay strong and fight the ED! For Christmas I'm going to see my dad's family (he's the Christian one, my mom's Jewish), which will be interesting. Some of them I haven't seen in over two years. Two freaking years! I miss them a lot. I can't wait to see them! Oh, and happy 3rd night of Hannukah to those who celebrate :) My family finished the latkes me and my mom made last night; they were really good! We baked them instead of frying them, so they're way less fattening ^___^.

If I don't write until after Christmas, I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and a wonderful New Year!

-Unknown Athena

OMG I HAVEN'T WRITTEN IN SO LONG I'M SO SO SOOO SORRY!

So, my laptop's being a piece of poop... Again. My dad had spend MONTHS trying to fix it, but now it keeps crashing, so after an extremely long time of finding the moment when my brother's NOT on the computer, he finally gets up and does something productive (A.K.A. taking a shower). So now I am back for now, and I may post at will. The rest of November was good for me. Thanksgiving was small; my two cousins and aunt came over. It wasn't much but I made the stuffing myself ^^, and I made pumpkin pie pudding, which came out pretty good. Did I mention this stuff already to you guys? Sorry if I did...



And now it is December; the month of holidays; and shopping, and well... Getting fat. I'm getting a bit nervous for when Hanukkah comes around (fried latkes... *gulp*), and Christmas (my big fat Italian Christmas dinner = 12 courses... and dessert, can't forget that!), and New Years Eve (thank the Gods I don't drink and am underage!!). So I may gain (or drop) a few pounds, which means my groups of "-ists" will not be very happy. Or they'll be jumping with joy. Either way, it's gonna be a rough month.



But on the bright side, I just finished wrapping my pet's gifts: two "Nylabones" and a little bag of treats for Delilah, a toy and bird seed-treat-thing of Sunshine (my kamikaze-esque parakeet), and a nut/fruit/veggie treat for each of my two guinea pigs; Pookie and Miley. I honestly don't want much for Christmas, so I'm not going to ransack the house with my twin brother to look for our gifts this year. Last year was.... Different, so I'm going to get super-duper festive this holiday season! I even helped put up and decorate the tree, and make the train tracks around the tree. My dad was over and he put batteries in the old train cars... The ones that used batteries, anyways. Out of the twenty-or-so that my parents kept from my brother's childhood, only two were electric and could move themselves. The rest are wooden and have chipped paint. I feel so old when I look at them, but I'm only 14 years old! Eep!

-Unknown Athena

(P.S. This was written a week ago, but it wouldn't post, so...)

Racking in the Cash!

Yay I'm officially a babysitter! This is my first ever job!! Today I took two girls to the movie theatre and watched Puss in Boots (thank Athena it wasn't 3D! 3D ruins movies!). Their parents went out for dinner or something. The girl's parents paid for my ticket, so I only had to buy some ice cream afterward. And I got $40! AND I got Modelland! Success! Yeah, let's just say I'm quite a happy kid... And I absolutely love Tyra Banks. She's my role model. I really want to be like her when I grow up!
Yesterday I went to the nutritionist and she said in the near future I might be about to substitute one of my two Ensure Plus's with legit food! Less Ensure Plus = A happy Unknown Athena! This weekend is going pretty darn well, besides the fact that I have a ton of homework and I only got four hours of sleep last night. -____- At least all my quarterly exams are done... For now...

-Unknown Athena

P.S. What was your first job?

Camp

Camp Camp Camp Camp Camp. I'm excited, nervous, happy, sad, but all I know is I can't wait. I thought I should probably fill you guys in on this just in case there are actually people out there in cyberspace that check on my blog every so often and get pissed off to find no posts for roughly a month. Don't worry, if you do, I'm not dead. I'll be in camp, water skiing (my favorite sport, ever), going on high ropes, mountain boarding, archery, oh, and all the while drinking two Ensure +'s a day. I know, it kinda sucks, but it's most likely the only thing that will keep me in camp, and not home, with my mom in freaking Canada (no offense Canadians, but she doesn't write me there!), and my dad at work. Fun -____-. NOT.

So my point is I'll have fun in camp, and I can't write. Hope to get back to you guys ASAP. :-)

-Unknown Athena

Childhood Reunion

Today was half great, half terrible. I'll start with the terrible so you leave with something to hopefully be smiling about.
I. Hate. RETAINERS. My teeth & gums are still sore, and I swear if they don't get any better I'll have to resort to freaking baby food! Well, than again, I've heard that baby food isn't half bad. Anyone remember how baby food tastes?? Also, I'm developing a sore throat, so I'm not only thirsty but also barely able to speak. Joy -______-
But on the bright side, I had a great Health class. So we all finished our projects, right, and we were bored in the computer lab. Randomly, I thought of my childhood, and how much I missed it! I know, I know, I'm only 13, so I'm still like a child all all, but I'm talking about the 5-10 years old part; with the Club Penguin and Webkinz and Neopets... OH THE DAYS! I used my cousins account for Webkinz, and somehow I remembered my Club Penguin info, so I was in this total trance of childhood memories. So much stuff changed... Have you ever had a day like this before?

-Unknown Athena

P.S. I get to meet my "big buddy" tomorrow to help me through high school. Think of Junior year tour guides. I can't wait :)

Freedom! Or so I thought...

Alright, let's set this straight. Braces suck. 'Kay? Nice... So I got the dang things off today, after having them for almost a year (In your face Olivia!!), and to my disappointment; retainers. Or as I like to call them, restrainers. Legit, they restrain you from a lot of things. A.K.A. gum, granola, apples, comfort! They currently hurt as hell, and I haven't even had them on for 8 hours! The orthodontist drilled a little hole on my top retainer so I can "play with it with my tongue", but it's not that addictive... Okay I lied, it's very fun to play with it. It just hurts. Like, a lot. I kinda want to take some Aspirin or Tylenol; just something to keep the pain away!!

Hating plastic and metal,
Unknown Athena

P.S. I just realized how good of an excuse this is to not eat as much! But than again... All the more reason to drink even more Ensure Plus. *shudders*

"HANDS UP!"

Alright, I haven't posted in what, over a month?! I'm crazy, and I'm really sorry. But, I can explain. I actually have a few reasons, and maybe you'll understand a bit. Yes? No? Well then...

1) My laptop died. I'm not talking about the battery. It just died. It's being evil on me. But the poor thing's lived a long life since 2003. First it was my dad's laptop for work, and it got worked to death. Then somehow it became mine, and it was a pretty good laptop, nix all the Trogen-virus-things it's had in it's lifetime. But now, may it rest in peace... Until I can think of a way to fix it.

2) School. I have three regents to prepare for. A "Living Environment" Regent (A.K.A. a fancy-shancy way of saying "Biology"), an "Intergraded (Can't spell it...) Algebra" one, and a "Spanish 1" one. And I wasn't for school in two weeks (I'll explain in #3), so when I came back to school I was a dumb blond in Harvard; confused.

3) I relapsed. I relapsed, I relapsed I FREAKING RELAPSED. I didn't want to. I didn't even fully try. It just happened. And I went back. For three freaking weeks. And on the Monday of Spring Break, too. Life is just not fair my fellow cyber-surfers. Not. Effing. FAIR.

Every day at that "prison", I like to call it, was exasperatingly painful. I mean, I did have some fun times, coloring and making bracelets and playing dumb with the doctors, but in total, it pretty much sucked. And the last two days before my discharge, I was crying. I was in freaking HYSTERICS. I was so scared. Scared that I may relapse. Scared that I'd miss all the regents, or fail them. Or not go to the Boat Dance (the 8th grade equivalent of a prom), or even graduate middle school. The school that everyone graduates. But that was just me thinking of worst-case scenarios, so hopefully none of that happens. And I already got my boat dance dress, so if I can't go I may as well kill someone.

Happy Killings,
Unknown Athena

P.S. I'm really sorry, about not posting. The hospital doesn't have computers!!
P.P.S. In happy news, my apple plant is like, a foot tall. And has lots of leaves. YAY!!!