Friday, November 16, 2012

Ulh...

   I feel like a pig. My and my friend, F, were chillin' out and watching Say Yes To The Dress, and my mom brought us a bag of pita chips. F is skinny as hell, and even though everyone says I'm skinny, I feel like the f*cking potato. F ate maybe ten pita chips, whereas I ate around thirty.

   On another awful note, I didn't get accepted to one of the volleyball clubs I tried out for. I feel like $h!t. Not only am I fat, but I suck at volleyball. The club I'm trying out for next week is even more competitive.

Excuse me while I go cry.
 
-Uknown Athena

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Crack

   Today was interesting, it had it's ups and downs. I guess the only thing I'll share today was in health class. Don't get me wrong, I love health class, and the teacher (she's WONDERFUL!), but today, I cracked a bit.

   Even though I've patched up the pieces of myself from my eating disorder a while ago, I couldn't help but feel my throat tighten and tear up when we got to the topic of eating disorders. Of course, I knew almost as much (if not equally) about eating disorders as my teacher, and I know I should ignore it, but then she said, "eating disorders never fully go away from the mind", I started crying a bit. Luckily, she didn't notice a thing.

   At lunch, I felt fat as f*ck from that (I have health right before lunch two out of the eight days in my school's cycle), so when I went to the local coffee shop to get hot cocoa, I ordered a small rather than a large, with skin milk, and no marshmallows or whipped cream. It tasted okay, but my sh!tty body image made it taste worse. The fact that I felt the need to order a more diet-y version of my favorite drink made me feel like sh!t.

On a brighter note, I only have maybe three to four hours of homework this weekend, then studying! Party! -____-
 
Stay Strong and Carry On xx,
Unknown Athena

Friday, November 2, 2012

Everyone Alive?

   Sorry I haven't posted in a bit. Because of the hurricane, I lost power and couldn't access the internet. Luckily we got our power back yesterday, but a majority of my town is without any power. No hot water, no electricity, no gas. Literally, my neighbor waited on line for over an hour to get gas. Now our town has none -___-.

   Also, I haven't had school all week because apparently, my high school's generator exploded. How and why, I have no clue. I never thought I'd say this, but, I actually really want to go to school! I'm so screwed for AP World and Chemistry!!

   My friend F is coming over tomorrow because she has no power. She came over on Halloween, where a good sixty little children dressed as ninjas and princesses and fruit came to trick or treat around my block, which normally gets no kids because we barely have any on my street. We went around the block and trick or treated. After a good ten years of trick or treating, we didn't even need to say, "Trick or treat!". I think my neighbors knew the drill.

   A lot of my other friends don't have power either, so I'm letting them come over and charge their electronics. Oh, and I have a social life (I know, IMPOSSIBLE!): I'm going to a party tonight! So pumped! I get to wear my ninja makeshift-costume once more!

Stay Safe!
-Unknown Athena
 
P.S. My brother took my bike, and I was gonna go biking through town to get some exercise. That little shit... He's gonna get hell from me!!

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Fat Fat Fat... I am Fat.

   Volleyball's finally over :( But hopefully I get into club later in November. There are tryouts in two weeks and I'm so nervous! I'm not the worst player, but I'm not the greatest. Now, I don't have anything for exersize. I used to do ab workouts in my room, but my mom caught me once and now every time I'm in my room, she checks in every couple minutes! I'm 15, not 5!

   I went to my nutritionist for the first time this month, and I have good and bad news. The good news is that I'm five-foot-eight, which is the minimum height requirement for modeling (at most places). The bad news is, I'm 129.8 pounds. 129.8! I told her I wasn't upset and the number didn't affect me, but inside I was DYING. Most likely, I gained muscle weight during volleyball, but I hate it. I can still see my collar bones, and hip bones, but you can barely see my ribs. I like my ribs, as weird as that seems :\

On another note, hope everyone on the East Coast gets through Hurricane Sandy! "SHE DOESN'T EVEN GO HERE!"
-Uknown Athena

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Piggy did Good for Once...

   I'm so tired it's crazy! Yesterday I had an all-day volleyball tournament. We had to be at the school at 7 am (on a SATURDAY!), and we got back around 6 pm. My coach made me play middle, and I usually play right side. That was interesting, in short. We played 5 games, and then we moved on and played a 6th game. Another team came that wasn't invited as well. Awkwaaaaaaaaaard...
  
   I ate like a pig, because the gym in the school we went to was huge and hot and gross. I drank a good three bottles of water, and snacked like a mad woman. There were SOOOOO many bad foods there: Chex Mix, pizza, cookies, candy, chips, popcorn, etc. I tried really hard to eat healthy foods, but it didn't exactly work out :(

   On the bright side, I played really well considering it was my first time playing middle. I got some blocks, some hits, and even got my serve in! My coach said that I got a starting spot on our game on Tuesday. I'm happy!!

Enjoy your three-day weekends!
-Unknown Athena

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Sophomore Year = HELLLLLLLLLL

   So I haven't posted in a while... Please don't shoot me! I've been SO busy. The homework load for Algebra 2/Trig., AP World, Chemistry, Spanish and Studio Art are MASSIVE. I have a problem set, textbook work in AP World and A2T, a lab for Chemistry to finish, a million and six verbs to memorize for Spanish 3, and finish a bunch of sketchbook things for art.

   Oh yeah, and I have 3 hours of volleyball a day, and games go on until around 7-8 pm. And my mom makes me eat like a pig... And I'm on my period, so I'm fat as hell and I'm breaking out :(

   I want to crawl into a hole and come out only when high school is over for the year....

-Unknown Athena

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Welcome Back!

Hey everyone, so today was my first day back at high school. I'm a sophomore... Woah. My classes were okay, but only 20 minutes long because we had a 2-hour delay (so the freshmen can get used to school by doing various activities with their "Big Buddies"), advisory groups, and an asembly. I already have a ton of homework, and it's crazy. I still need colored pencils for AP World, Chemistry and Spanish 3. I'm pretty confused. I'm in 10th grade, not 1st!

Oh, and volleyball is tough. School ends at 2:50 p.m., and volleyball practice is from 3-6p.m. It was really hot and humid, and after running around and playing, I was literally drenched in sweat. Hey, at least it's exercise!

Welcome Back Everybody!
-Unknown Athena

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Nervous!

Today I have my first scrimage for volleyball. I'm so nervous! There are now 9 girls on my team in total. One of the freshmen quit to join the cheerleading squad. I literally died. Competitive cheer is one thing, but to quit volleyball to cheer for sweaty Juniors and Seniors who don't care at football games? Weird...

So yeah, I'm nervous. We technically don't have enough people to play, but we're pulling the two sophomores on Varsity to play on JV for now but act like they're trying out for Varsity. Lying is fun :)

I ate a bowl of Kashi instant oatmeal and a cup of hot cocoa (AKA: Nesquik and 1% milk in the microwave). I hope that'll sustain me until lunch, if I eat any...

Stay strong!
-Unknown Athena

Monday, August 27, 2012

Excited and Nervous: School

School starts on the 4th of September. I'm so nervous but also excited. I'm nervous because I don't know all of my teachers, but excited to see what sophomore year holds for me.

My Schedule:
P1: AP World
P2: Algebra 2
P3: English 10
P4: Health/Band
P5: Art
P6: Spanish 3
P7: Chemistry
P8: Lab/P.E./Study Hall
There's a volleyball scrimage tomorrow. There's only 10 girls on my team, total. Only 7 or 8 can make it. On the bright side... More court time for me!
Enjoy the rest of the summer!
-Unknown Athena

Friday, August 24, 2012

My Laziness to Post is Scary

Hey everyone! I'm back from camp! 4 week without technology... IN THE BAG! Okay, so I used my phone maybe once or twice to inform my parents on what to send me, but other than that, I stuck to snail-mail.

So camp was awesome. I met a ton of people from all over the world. Pakistan, Nigeria, Scotland, China, Australia, Russia, France, Spain, Venezuela... You name a place, I know someone from there. There were even two guys who asked me to the camp dances.

Literally, my heart raced both times. The first time, it was weird because I barely knew the guy, and he didn't call my pretty. He called me "hot". Sure, I'll take the compliment, but trust me guys, it's better to call a girl pretty than hot. The next session, a guy from Nigeria asked me. We were in the same soccer intensive that morning, and his sister was in my cabin. His whole cabin came to pick my cabin up, to walk us to the dance. It was really sweet. Let's call the guy "P", held my hand the whole way while we talked about corruption and weird things in America. Yup, how romantic. There were only a few slow dances, but when they did play, we danced together. We were so close that our foreheads were practically touching! I never danced with anyone like that. It felt strange, but in a good way. A few of the girls in my cabin said he was leaning in to kiss me (!!!!!), but I didn't notice. It would have been nice to have my first kiss like that. I mean, I'd never see him again, but then it wouldn't be so awkward. Plus, he left the next day because it was the end of camp. But before he left, he told me he liked me. Not just as a friend, like he had romantic feelings for me. That was a first. The whole experiance was a first, and not just with guys. I sang in front of the whole camp. Twice. I sang "Drops of Jupiter" by Train and "Blackbird" by The Beatles. My legs were shaking the whole time, but I got so many compliments afterward. All I could say was "thank you", because if I said, "No, I'm not that good of a singer", that would make me seem like I was fishing for more compliments, which would not be the idea.

I'm gonna miss camp so much. 6 years, hot damn. Next summer, maybe I'll go back as a CIT, but I know that I can't stay there forever. I'll have to get a "real job", whatever that means...

On another note, my eating wasn't much of a problem. I got sick once, but that was most likely because I had a big salad at lunch and dinner, so I "had too much roughage" according to the camp nurse. Sure, I skimped out on fats and carbs a lot, but only because I let myself have a treat from the camp store every so often. The "treats" would range from a fudge pop to Sour Patch Kids or Skinny Cow Ice Cream (they had it, and my day was made).

I gained a lot of muscle, too. When I got home last week, pre-season for volleyball started. I ran an 8 minute and 12 second mile yesterday. Hope I improve!

Enjoy the rest of your summers!
-Unknown Athena
P.S. Sorry this was such a long post. Hope I didn't bore you...

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Off to Camp!

My week has been fun and busy. Busy and fun. Fun fun fun, and busy, busy, busy. This past week, I was in Maine, which was fantastic. My friends, S, Z and T, let's call them, came with me, and we had a blast. We went shopping in Portland, and went to the beach a lot. The water's so cold there! And while it was in the 70s and 80s in Maine, it was in the 90s and 100s in New York. HAH!

I came home on Friday, and this morning I visited my twin brother J at his camp in MA. We went out to lunch with our parents and my dog, and we found Alice's Resteraunt (the one from that Woody Guthry song). It was cool. I got stationary. Then we went to my dad's house and had dinner with my grandpa who recently moved in. He's been in poor health, but he seemed a lot more happy and energetic, probably because my dog was there. He likes dogs. He should get one when his health improves.

Around 8 was when I got home, and because my camp doesn't offer computers or internet access, this shall be my last post for a month, unless in two weeks I can visit the town's library during Visiting Day and sneak a post...

Can't wait for camp tomorrow! Hope you all have a wonderful, happy and healthy summer! My goal is to build a bit of muscle in camp. There's tons to do, so I'll never be caught chilling in my bunk ;)

-Unknown Athena

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Cured?

Just got back from the nutritionist. I hadn't seen her in a really long time (maybe a month or so?), so we had a nice little chat. We were talking about my "feelings" about my eating disorder. Do I define myself by my eating disorder. What does my eating disorder mean to me? All that kind of stuff. She thinks that this will be one of the last times I'll see her in her office again!

But does that mean I'm cured? Will my eating disorder vanish? Will Ana ever come back? Will I remember her if she returns? I'm kind of confused as to whether or not I can call myself "cured" or anorexia and depression. I still get depressed. I still feel fat, but does that make me an anorexic? Even if it lingers like old perfume, will I still be able to say I'm "cured"? I'm not sure if I can let it all go yet. I spent so much time on Ana: tracking calories, exercising my a** off, restricting, skipping social events... Can I really just blow it off like dust?

Hope you are enjoying the Summer!
-Unknown Athena

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Feeling Fat in NYC

Hey everybody! So today I went to NYC, because my mom and my aunt were going to see a play. They have some subscription thing to see a play every month, because they flipping love the theatre. I came along to hang out with my cousin whom I haven't seen in forever. She's an EMS, and is pretty much always on the job. We hung out while our moms watched their play. They said it was about some guy who had a 6 foot 3 imaginary friend that was a bunny... Strange, but okay. So my cousin and I went to the big Forever 21 with 5 floors, and "window shopped" because all the things I tried on didn't fit me and the one shirt I liked didn't have my size. Go figure, we weren't meant to be :(. Then we went to Godiva where my other cousin works and got two free chocolates. Once we left the nice air-conditioned chocolate haven, we went to Aeropostale because my cousin (who is 22 now) wanted to get shirts. When Aeropostale had a sale, GO. The shirts were 2 for $10, and usually $30 each. I am not going to shell out that kind of money for a shirt worth less than $10, so it was good. I didn't get anything, but my cousin got some stuff. After that, we went to Sephora where I got some Hello Kitty perfume and my birthday gift from them, a fresh lip set. It smells really good. I can't wait to use them!

Once we were done with that, we met back up with our moms and my cousin who works at Godiva came and we ate some Thai food. It was good, but really filling. I had chicken Pad Thai, which is like full flavor and fat city. I ate a lot because my mom was watching me the whole time like I would die if I didn't eat every flipping bite. Then she made me have some sticky rice which tasted like nothing, and some mango ice cream that was more like ice than cream. At least we got to go to Sanrio afterwards. My old Hello Kitty lunchbox is "too small" (a.k.a. normal sized, but my mom, who rules my life, says I need another one), I needed another one. I got a cute hemp-like bag to serve as a new lunch box. It's cute. I like it.

Once I came home and walked the pup, my mom drilled me into eating half a bag of Nestle Dark Chocolate Morsels. I feel sick now. I was never a bulemic, but I want to throw up right now. I just feel like total $h!t. Ever had one of those moments? Yeah, that's me right now. After a real good day, it kind of stinks to feel this way.

I've been having the worst sleeping habits recently. I've gone to bed around two am and waking up between 10 and 12 noon. Maybe when my mom falls asleep (she's a deep sleeper), I can get in a quick workout in the basement. Hopefully the dog doesn't bark or anything. She's not much of a music pup. I don't understand her at all.

Hope you all had a spectacular day. Stay strong!
-Unknown Athena

Friday, July 6, 2012

Tell It Like It Is!

I follow lots of blogs, and even though some of them can be a bit dreary and unhelpful towards my recovery, they are so true! I was reading one blog, called (Size) Zero Intentions, and one of her posts made me almost jump up and want to shout and run around and do happy dances. Though I have never experienced these "haters", I think they should leave. Now. Silent haters, I don't mind. Hate in your mind, not on the internet, or to anyone or anywhere else for that matter. Click here to read the post. She should get a cyber hug for that. I'm actually a pretty shy person in real life, but on the internet, I'm a lot more out there, if that makes any sense. I'm not as afraid to speak my mind as in school or at home where my twin brother judges me like there's no flipping tomorrow. I've probably said this a million times, but we are polar opposites. He's sporty, and I'm lazy. I get good grades, he's average. We're different.

On another (and happier) note, I got to finally go swimming at my friend's pool. It's been really really hot, so when she called me, I practically wanted to run to her house, even though it's on the other side of town. So I went swimming, and got some exercise in, even though I had biked a few miles before in the terrible heat. Hopefully I can build some muscle in camp so when volleyball season starts, maybe I'll be a starting player on the team. Only 6 are allowed on the court at a time, so it's a real jungle trying to get the coach to both like you and think you're good.

Don't die in the heat my darlings xx
-Unknown Athena
P.S. I feel lonely sometimes... Don't be afraid to comment! I like to know that someone out there reads this :)

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Nothing Can Compare to the Lack of Posting...

Oh hey guys, so, I haven't checked in with you for quite some time... I'm really sorry about that. My life has been really really busy lately, so the computer has felt like miles away from me. But I shall put my whole life from last time I posted until now in a pretty way, if you want to read it...

June 22nd, 2012:
I celebrated my last day of school (though I hadn't been in school since the 20th), and my birthday a day early. I had a BBQ at the park with a bunch of my friends, and we had a pretty good time, nix the rain, thunder and lightning. Hey, at least we got front row seats, if you know what I mean. We all hid under the pavillion like idiots, and blew bubbles while we waited for it to stop thundering. We were right there, near the water. It was both frightning and exillerating!

June 23rd, 2012:
My birthday! Except I didn't really spend it on myself. That morning, I went to my neighbor's bar mitzvah, which was okay, because I only went to the morning services. It was kinda cute, because my neighbor loves baseball. I mean, he really loves baseball, so the whole thing revolved around that. Then I slept a bit afterwards and went to my first Sweet 16. It was awesome, I'm not gonna lie. There was a Japanese theme, so there were candles and pink shells and origami people on the tables... It was seriously awesome! Plus it was at a fancy shmancy place, so that was a plus.

June 24th, 2012:
This day was fun, as well as (mostly) the whole week. I started volleyball camp at the high school, and I worked on my serve and hits. I was mainly helping the little kids, so they all looked up to me like I was God, along with a few of my friends from the volleyball team. Apparently I'm Queen of the Floor Nation, because I dove for the ball a lot and somehow ending up on the floor after almost every single play.

June 25th, 2012:
Had to help my dad and grandpa pack. My grandpa's kid sister passed away earlier this month, and my grandpa passed a few years ago, so he's going to move in with my dad. My really snotty aunt came over the next day and took all of my grandma's old jewelry. She brought my cousins, so my grandpa couldn't complain. I seriously want to kick my aunt in the vagina... She left nothing for me. She hadn't talked to my grandpa in almost 2 freaking years, and then just comes over and takes all of grandma's things, and leaves. What a bitch, I tell you!

June 26th, 2012:
Had to go to the doctor's office to get a physical; height, weight, blood pressure, all that jazz. Then I had to get two shots, for reasons I'm not really sure of. If I didn't tell you yet, I have the biggest fear of needles, ever, it's ridiculous! One of them was a two-part thing, so I have to go back in December to get the second half. I was a crying mess. I was shaking and bawling like a baby. My right arm got the shot that went into my muscle, so it was sore for a few days. The left arn got the other one, so it wasn't so bad. But still, I hate myself for being such a baby.

June 27th and 28th, 2012:
Flipping heat waves, enough said. Volleyball was hell because the gym felt like a million and two degrees F.

June 29th, 2012:
Because I was too much of a bloody, bawling mess on Wednesday, I had to go back to get bloodwork done on Friday. I was hyperventilating and shivering, and felt like I had a hangover afterwards (I've never been drunk or hungover, so I'm just using the word from what I've been told) because I was really dizzy. Then I went home and played with Delilah, so it was better

June 30th, 2012:
Got my late grandma's sewing machine back. It's from the 1950's (I think the guy at the Singer Store said 1955 was when they were manufactured), and hadn't been used in a good ten years or so, and it really needed some TLC. Me and my dad tried oiling it with 3-in-1 oil that you would use in cars... Bad idea. But the people over at the Singer Store fixed it up and now it runs perfect! After we took the sewing machine back, my dad and I went over to the diner and had lunch. Being in a fat-feeling mood, I got a salad with grilled chicken and honey mustard. It was pretty good and filling.

July 1st, 2012:
Felt like shit, so I literally slept all day. My mom woke me up for meals, but other than that, I slept like a baby.

July 2nd, 2012:
More shit-feeling, but less. My mom forced me to go to Kohls to get bras and shorts for camp, because I'm lacking proper shorts (they have to touch your thumbs or lower when your arms are at your sides...) and bras that actually fit me... Then I went home and slept more. I swear I'm becoming more and more like an owl... Or just a fat bear who hibernates during the summer.

So that is my life up until now. Hope you didn't fall asleep. My life isn't all fun and games, it's actually quite boring :\

Hope you stay cool in the heat! xx
-Unknown Athena

Thursday, June 21, 2012

No Me Gusta Heat Waves

It is ridiculously hot out. Think in the high 90's! It's crazy. Yesterday, I was stupid and decided to take a bike ride along the river, and there was zero wind. Nada. Nothing. I'm pretty sure that I looked like I got sprayed with water, but that water was sweat. Gross. Meh.

When I got home I took the coldest shower of my life, but it still didn't feel that cold because I was so hot. At least I got to go swimming in my friend's pool afterwards. That's one of the perks of having friends with pools; you get to go in them! It was for some Girl Scout party, because we finished our hell-ish year. Yes, I'm a Girl Scout. Laugh all you freaking want. But I have access to the cookies, so I pretty much am a Goddess of the Cookies :3

On another note, I feel fat as heck because I had a lot of fear foods there:
-Pizza
-Pasta
-Full-fat dressing on salad
-Cake
-Cupcakes

It was like I was in an inescapable horror movie. So many fatty foods, and I couldn't say no! All the girls in the troop had made them, so I couldn't just say "No thanks" because it would be rude, and saying "I don't want to get fat" as a reason would be super rude.

So yeah, that's my summary of events. Oh yeah, I had my Geometry Regent on Wednesday. It was unbelievably easy. My teacher kept saying, "It will be really hard [so study your a** off]", but it was the easiest thing I ever did in Freshman year! Now I'm considered a Sophomore... It's weird...

Don't die in the heat!
-Unknown Athena

Monday, June 11, 2012

Feeling Better, Along With Other Things...


Completed my first Final of high school! This morning (at 8 in the morning) I had to go to school just to take a Global Final. To my surprise, I thought it was fairly easy. But, for all I know, I could have screwed everything up and got a zero.
As you can see, I'm kinda, sorta obsessed with memes at the moment. They're quite funny, sometimes. If any of you are on Instagram, follow edmemes . It's my wonderful take on my eating disorder. Follow at will :3
Also, I just got back from a bike ride with my twin brother. We don't usually get along all too well, but today, I guess we were on good terms and decided to take the bike trail. The bike trail in my town goes from one park to the other. It's around 5 miles altogether, but because my brother needed to go to basketball practice (he's crazy. going from biking to basketball with no break? idiot...), we only did around 4.5. Because I love my memes, here's another one, just for you:
Enjoy your Day!
-Unknown Athena

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Cold Showers are Wonderful...


...So I had a depression spell today after exersizing because my mom got all freaked out after jumping rope for 5 flipping minutes. Jumping rope for 15 minutes burns 166 calories, so I was all like, "F*ck yeah, I'm going back to second grade!". But NOOOOOOOOOOOO, I can't do anything but sit on my butt all day and mope and eat a sh!tload of carbs because even though I'm at a healthy weight of 125 lbs, I still can't burn a single calorie without my mom going ape-sh!t. It's ridiculous. I got so upset after she lecture-yelled at my that I took a 20-minute, freezing cold shower which consisted of my crying my eyes out in the fetal position on the shower floor while my mom was banging on the door saying I need to STFU or else she's sending me back to the hospital. Eventually, the cold shower calmed me down a bit and I got out and cleaned my room for two hours. I don't usually clean my room, but when I do, it's because I'm depressed as f*ck.
Hope your day's going better than mine...
-Unknown Athena

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Another Goddess Has Returned to Mt. Olympus

R.I.P. Great Aunt Mary, aged 86 years. You will be missed, and forever in my heart.
I'm really sad, and stressed. My dad had called earlier this week, saying that my Great Aunt Mary (my grandpa's kid sister) was sick and in the hospital. Today, he called again, except his news was worse; she passed away. I was writing my English essay on Catcher in the Rye, but after hearing that, how could I continue? To mourn, my nails are painted black and one red (she was a very stylish lady back in her day), and I cried and slept until now. This all started around 7-ish. Now I'm eating yogurt, ulh. I need to stop eating, or I'll get fat. I can already tell I gained a bit this past month, probably while stressing over all my stupid finals and Regents...
Now I have a heavy heart and a helluva lot of work to do. I hope all of your hearts are happier than mine.
-Unknown Athena
p.s. I got a 100 on my Spanish 2 oral, which made my day, I guess.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

I'm Such an Idiot Sometimes...

MY WEEKEND IN A NUTSHELL:
So my friend, let's call her K, hates me. I was being a stupid idiot, as always. The title of the post shouldn't even be "I'm Such an Idiot Sometimes", it should be, "I'm Such an Idiot All The Time". What happened was, we (Me, K, and some other friends) were chilling in the gym on Friday, and I said something completely stupid. She was talking about how nice my brother is, and even though I'm his sister (I naturally hate him), he is still unlikeable. He always tells me how ugly all my friends are, and how some of them look like elves, or a "fat" or whatever, so I wanted to tell K how it really is. I told her, and she flipped the shit on me. I couldn't even say anything I was so shameless. I really felt like cutting that night (and still do...) but I haven't yet. I really want to apologize on Monday but K is one of those people that either forget it the next day or hold a grudge against you for the rest of your life. Seeing that she declined to my Facebook invite for my 15th birthday party, she's probably going to hold a grudge against me for the rest of my life. What should I do? I'm so nervous that I feel sick!

Hope your weekends are going better than mine... If you're in the same boat I'm in, good luck on all your finals and Regents!
-Unknown Athena

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Life: Updated

   Hey everyone, sorry about the absence in posting recently. Everything is either going to fast or too slow. School ends June 8th, but then we get smacked with Regents and Finals 'till the end of June. Track is going too fast. Track's ending this Wednesday for the JV-aged people, but I'm pretty sure it's still continuing on for the Varsity people. Our school's too cheap to have a JV team and a Varsity (and there's not a million kids doing track and field, so...) so we're all smushed together. Some meets it's everyone, some meets it's only freshman and sophomores.
   Anyways, I need to fill you in with my life. Gosh, I sound like one of those super-snotty fake-tanned steriotypical Westchester housewives -_________-. Whatever. Okay. Back to what I was saying, track's almost over, and I'm kinda sad. Yeah, I wasn't the best, but I sure as hell tried, and it was the only way I could exersize a lot and have it be okay with my mom. She's always on my tail. ALWAYS. I "forget" to eat yogurt or cereal or whatnot, and she thinks I'm restricting. I am, but I'm trying to be pretty darn descreet about it. Well, it's Mother's Day, so I can't complain. I made my mom French toast and coffee for her breakfast. My brother walked the dog for her at 6 in the morning. And my dad took us all out to eat for an early dinner. Sometimes I don't understand my mom and dad. They should hate each other (they're divorced!), but somehow they can still go out to eat with us and act like a normal, happy couple. They don't hug, or kiss, or hold hands, but it's still weird!

Happy Mother's Day Goddesses ;-) Give tus madres something to be happy about!
-Unknown Athena

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

A Won Failure for Me!

Hey guys! My week has been decent so far. I have a science test 8th period that I barely studied for, and an outline for an essay for Romeo and Juliet due tomorrow. Yesterday, I went to a track meet, home, us against the town next to us. Their guys were really fast, and wrecked our guys. Our cgirls killed their girls. I did high jump and discus. For high jump, I jumped 3'6", which sucked. My seed is 4'6"... For discus, my best was 48'8". I'm not sure which place I got, but I know I wasn't last! My twin brother did well in his events too. I'm so jealous of him; he can literally eat ANYTHING he wants to eat, from salad to cookies to oil-drenched pizza and steak, and still doesn't gain weight! So many guys think that a girl's dream is to meet their perfect man. BULLSHIT. A girl's number 1 dream is to be able to eat anything they want and not get fat!

-Unknown Athena

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Week of Hell

Sorry for the lack of posting lately. And sorry for saying sorry so many freaking times. I seriously need to stop saying sorry so much : Anyways, I'm in school, in Arts & Crafts, a.k.a. the easy A class. I literally have a 97 average without trying. It's the same with my 98 average in Spanish, but that might be because I have a sucky teacher who is super slow. At least I don't have him today. But this week will be hell, let me tell you.

I have three known tests this week, all on the same freaking day!! On Thursday, first period (normally second period, but it's going to be a double even day, so...) I have a Geometry Triterm, which has the same concept of a midterm, only in the third quarter (even though it's the fourth quarter now...). After that, I have band. Then lunch. After lunch, I'm faced with a Spanish exam, which would be easy if I would actually memorize the meanings of the words and didn't have to translate English into Spanish. Of course my teacher would do it the hard way : After that, I'm hit with an Earth Science unit test on Earth's energy. Two or three weeks ago (I was on break last week, but I'm still counting it), I missed a day of school because I felt like total crap, and my evil teacher decides to start a whole new unit. BULL. ABSOLUTE BULL. So Thursday is going to make me want to restrict, maybe even cut. At some wierd Pampered Chef thing my mom made me go to earlier, I somehow won a paring knife. Of course I won the knife of all things. So now whenever I go into my room, I see the shiny new knife with it's maroon handle and white paper blade-cover.

On another note, last night was hell. My brother was being more like a four year old than a fourteen year old, and got my mom upset again. So they started yelling at each other and my mom was crying and he made a hole in the wall and I got so upset that I went to my friend S's house, running the whole mile-ish there. Then we watched Glee and played Smash Bros on her Wii, which cheered me up :)


Stay strong Goddesses!

-Unknown Athena

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

OMGOMGOMGOMG I'M SORRY!

Woah I haven't posted here in quite awhile... Damn.... I'm really sorry :(! Anyways, the time I've been gone has been, interesting. Still in track. We had our first meet yesterday two towns over. Sadly, I sucked. Not even "bad day" sucked, sucked like the biggest failure ever. During the high jump, I couldn't even clear the first height of 4 feet! I literally had to hold back tears. At discus, I fouled all 3 tries. I couldn't get the discus in the lines, and the one time I did, I stepped out of the chalk circle by like, two inches.
Worst day? Yesterday. Even more terrible? Today. It's that terrible time of the month for me, and my cramps are so bad I couldn't even go to practice! Need some rest maybe, and lots of tea. Hope I don't loose weight from that :-/

Sorry for the short post. I'm tired and in pain and *cry* not a happy Goddess!
-Unknown Athena
P.S. On the brightside, I threw the discus a good 50-ish feet!

Monday, March 12, 2012

Tired, So Very Tired...

Holy crap I'm so out of shape! :( As you can tell, track started today. It was literally a pain, mainly in my abdominal muscles. I got so many cramps and it was really hot, especially for March (I'm telling you, global warming exists!!!). Sorry that I keep complaining. I just don't like sprints. We had to do a mile (jogging) to start, then we had to stretch (which isn't hard, obviously). After that, we did these annoying runs back and forth, first high-knees, then butt-kicks, skipping, toe-touches (first hands to toes, then toes to hands), lunges, side-steps, kareokies and some other things that I can't remember. After that, I drank like, two sips of water before having to do a ton of sprints. I'm okay with long distance, but because I'm slow as hell, sprints are my week points. We didn't even get to do any events. I wanted to do high jump and maybe discus. But NO, we have to condition for TWO WEEKS before doing the events. Ulh, I'm so tired. I hate that idiot that took out nap time after kindergarten...

-Unknown Athena

Thursday, March 1, 2012

HAH! You Were WRONG, -ISTS!

Yes, that is what I call the people I see on Thursdays: -ists. I see my nutritionist and therapist so I just call them the -ists. They probably thought I was going to loose weight, but NOPE, I MAINTAINED! This is a first, because every other break I've had since the start of my ED, I've lost weight. But this time, I maintained. It must've been thought delicious cookies that me and S found in Maine. They were like a fudge-y, nutty... It was just too good to explain. Think of an underdone brownie with walmuts and huge chunks of chocolate, but as a cookie! I need to go to Maine again...

Hope you all had a good break. Back to school and, ew, Regents prep... Ulh...
-Unknown Athena
P.S. The -ists think that I might be able to start dropping an Ensure Plus and adding an energy bar soon! I'm starting track & field on March 12th, so they're a bit worried about that. But soon, one less 350 (100 fat cals) calorie drink!!!!

Monday, February 27, 2012

I'm Baaaaaaaack!

Hey guys! Sorry that I haven't posted in so long. I was in Maine for the last week because my mom went to California. It was lots of fun: I had the BEST COOKIE EVER. And I bought a ton of CDs, and I got, wait for it, a Pokemon game! It's like reliving my childhood. The game I bought was the Pokemon Sapphire for the Game Boy. It's so ancient that they don't make or sell Game Boys or Gme Boy games. :(

Sorry that this post is so short. I just am in an "I Feel Fat" mood and I want to try some new ab workouts. I'm pretty sure I gained a pound or two in Maine. Well, I'll find that out on Thursday when I see my therapist and nutritionist.

Stay Strong and Carry On!
-Unknown Athena

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Valentines Day...

I actually had a very uneventful Valentines Day, as expected. If fat were a feeling though, I would have felt fat all day: I got chocolate from two friends, sweet-hearts (the one's with the odd sayings that make no sense... "Jump 4 Me"? Really? My friend scratched off the "4" so it said "Jump Me"... Very funny... Moving on...), cookies, rice-krispie treats, brownies... Oh, there is more, but I'm tired and sick and stressed and ULH JUST 2 MORE DAYS 'TILL BREAK! Did I tell you that my mom is ditching me to go to California with her friend for a week? Nice one, mom. Whatever, I'm going to Maine with a friend because apparentally it's illegal for me to stay home alone for a week (though re-inacting Home Alone 1 would be interesting).
Back to Valentines Day, I was sitting in Spanish with my guy friend, let's call him A, and finishing some print out or "photocopia" my teacher says. Then these two kids sitting on the other side of the classroom (the teacher was outside doing oral tests one by one), let's call then G and J, say "OMG JUST GO OUT ALREADY!". My response: "?"
I've never really thought about A that way. He's great, really. He's funny, smart, and understanding. But I can't get my mind around us "going out", whatever that means for a Freshman in high school. We can't drink, we can't drive, we can't even go to a resteraunt without having to have a parent drive us. It doesn't make sense! So now my face gets hot and I barely make out an excuse for not dating. A backs me up, too, saying "We're just friends" and all, but I can't stop thinking about it. It's so... Ack I can't even describe how weird that would be! Anyways, I'm not really a perfect girl for a relationship. For one thing, I have anorexia and depression. Secondly, I'm like a giraffe and my skin isn't 100% flawless. I'm not thin nor fat. Not smart nor dumb. I'm average. That word irks me. Average. It's not exeptional, but it doesn't suck. Like me.

How did everyone else's Valentines Days go? I hope they weren't as awkward as mine!
-Unknown Athena
May the Gods be with you... Despite it's corniness I like it!

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Stupidity and Poor Planning

I had an idea. I wanted to have a party. Screw Valentines Day and everyone being all lovey dovey with their partners, I wanted to have a party. But no party for me. I planned to late. No one can come. Tears are falling down my face. I feel like a loser. This isn't good. The voices. They're coming back. In whispers, the tell me, "stop eating, it's not worth it. what's the matter, wus? have no friends to give you joy? hah! sucks, loser. hope you enjoy your worthless life, with no friends at your funeral. look, there are some knives just feet away from you. they're shiny. they'll make you feel good. that blood? yeah, that's the sign of a good time. you should try it. c'mon, don't be scared, you dumb-sh!t! you're not wanted anyway. hurting yourself is good. c'mon, we're waiting...". I'm going f*cking insane, aren't I? I can't enjoy this month t all. I'm single, loveless, unwanted, an outcast; I could go on and on and on. This isn't fun. Life isn't fun. I want to relapse but I can't get myself to commit. Gods, what the hell is the point of life if I can't even have friends to enjoy it with?

-Unknown Athena

Sunday, January 29, 2012

A little Goddess Has Returned to Mt. Olympus :(

R.I.P. Miley, the world's kindest guinea pig. May she enjoy her new life in the heavens with her past friends, Jack-Jack and Pizza.


Born: June 27th, 2006
Died: January 28th, 2012 11:45 p.m.

This picture was taken at the beginning of the summer of 2011. She was always such a cutie :)
I'm gonna miss her so much. No, she was not named after Miley Cyrus. I swear she wasn't! I remember the day I got her like it was just yesterday...
It was the beginning of my 4th grade year; me and my good friend Julianna went to the pet store one town over to look at the guinea pigs. The first guinea pig I held was cute, but he had bitten my mom, so she said no to that one. The next guinea pig I held was Miley. She was cute and skittish. I bought her for $30.00, and she was worth every single penny. Because I wanted her to be comfortable with her new home, I came late to the pumpkin scooping that my girl scout troop helped out at. She was small, and always was. I liked to call her a "petite piggle". She was with me through it all: elementary school graduation, first year in middle school, my parent's divorce (and all of their numerous fights and arguments), and middle school graduation. I hoped that she would make it towards Valentines Day, to my 15th birthday, to the last day of my freshman year. But she didn't make it. She died last night.
She suddenly fell sick on Friday night. She became so weak that she couldn't drink from her water bottle; I had to feed her water with a dropper. But her last day was not bad. That morning I changed her cage, gave her a bath, gave her her favorite foods (carrots and lettuce!), and let her cuddle with Pookie, her buddy. Pookie is four years old. Miley was a little over 5 and a half years old. She looked more fragile than ever in her last few hours. I cried all that morning, thinking it would be her last. I couldn't believe that it was. Last night I couldn't even cry when my mom and I found her lifeless in her new, clean cage. All the tears had left already. We buried her this afternoon in a shoebox with her favorite toy; one of those little clapper things that would make a clapping sound when you shook it back and forth. She would bite the part where your hand would go and throw her head up and down. It was both the cutest and funniest thing I had ever seen in my life. Her gravestone is her wooden hutch. I wrote her information down in Sharpie so when time goes by, people will still see who she was. She rests in my backyard with my parakeet Pizza. Hopefully she will be able to catch up with her in the Heavens and on Mt. Olympus. Hopefully she gets all the fresh grass she wants in a long, rolling field. Hopefully she has access to a huge vegetable garden full of carrots, lettuce, cucumbers, and kale, as well as a big apple tree that produces big, red apples of all shades. Let her soul rest in peace. I will love her forever and always. I love you, Miley.

Okay I need to stop typing of I'm gonna cry my eyes out,
Unknown Athena




Friday, January 20, 2012

No Pain, No Game

Joy. I have a stomach ache. It hurts. I'm sad. I'm tired. I feel like a whiny brat. Ulh. No me gusta PMSing. I've been eating pretty well this week; my nutritionist seems a bit happier about my weight, even though I only gained like, two ounces this week. I would post a picture of a scale or an apple or a happy face but NO, that my friend is copyright infringement, and I could get my blog shut down. I think when the Mayans prophesized the end of the world being 2012, I think they ment the free internet. Evil Lamar S. Smith just had to start the dumb SOPA. I know I know, it's all about stopping piracy, but I don't want all my social networks to perish! This a generation that pretty much depends on technology for everything, and if Tumblr, Twitter, Blogspot, dA, Facebook, Flickr, etc. get shut down, I'm gonna cry. CRY MY EYES OUT. There won't be any Shane Dawson! There won't be any using of Wikipedia to aid my homework slumps! And there WON'T BE ANY FUNNY PICTURES COMING UP ON MY TUMBLR DASHBOARD! Let's just say I like my Tumblr very much. It's like Ativan; an escape from my BS reality I call life. Oh gods and godesses above, did you know this was going to happen? Why didn't you tell me? :(

-Unknown Athena

Saturday, January 14, 2012

New Motivation: PB + Pretzels = LOVE

Hey guys, so, I had an interesting Friday the 13th:
*I lost my iPod Touch
*My friend cracked her iPod Touch screen
*My other friend got morning detention on a G day, the one day where school starts about 45 minutes later than normal.

The good news is, I've located my iTouch. It's near my town's middle school, hopefully locked up in the main office, not some kid's locker. I absolutely flipped out when I lost it. It's not cheap, those Apple iPods. But I've e-mailed the school describing my iPod and if it's found, give it back! It has an engraving too, so that further supports it being mine. I hope I get it back soon!

On another note, I have more motivation to gain weight. My mom bought me those peanut butter-pretzel sandwich things that are the $h!t to end all $h!t. No joke, I'm addicted. I'm eating them as I type. Even though it's filled with fat (140 cals, 60 from fat; 7 grams fat, 2g sat. fat, 2 grams sugar and 4 grams protein per 9 sandwich serving), it's still addictive. Hopefully my weight goes up a bit so I can get those damn doctors off my tail. It's better than having butter, because at least I'm having a little bit of protein :-\ And only 2 grams of sugar! That's not as bad as having, I dunno, chocolate or something. I've had like, two and a half serving. Ulh, I feel fat. And tired. I slept legit, all day, but I'm still tired. Goodnight goddesses! Enjoy your three day weekends!

-Unknown Athena

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

To be or not to be, THAT is the question

This week I've been debating whether or not I consider myself to be pro-ana. I finally realized what the term "pro-ana" means a month or so ago; it means to be for anorexia. My former self was all for it, and I almost killed myself with the damn disease! But now that I'm recovering, I'm not so sure what I think of it. Anorexia is no joke. Anorexia can't just be erased. I still sometimes think of fasting or dieting or over-exersizing or giving away my food (which I still do... sometimes). I know it's not good and I shouldn't be doing it, but I can't help it. The ED (eating-disorder) still manifests within myself. I still pick the "safe" foods over the fatty, other choices, but I at least know that I'm doing something wrong. Look up the song "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin' Park. That song pretty much sums up how I felt pre-hospital, pre-relapse, and every now and again. Uuuuuulh my mind is spinning and I really don't like it!
-Uknown Athena
P.S. I have so much homework! I have Japanese, science, math, and a TON of English homework! Wish me luck while I bust my goddess-booty finishing it all while watching my guilty pleasure, Cupcake Wars :-)

Thursday, January 5, 2012

3 Pounds...

I LOST 3 POUNDS I'M SO UPSET! Normally I would be happy about this but my nutritionist was going to say I would only come every other week or once a month for me! But then somehow I lost 3 pounds over winter break, despite the fact that I ate a ton of food. And no, it was not all diet "safe" foods. Think fat in fat in fat; that's what I felt like I was eating. This irritates me so much! Now I'm about 8 pounds below my goal weight of 125 lbs, not 5 pounds like it was before. Grr. And my "assignment" for the week is to use full-fat salad dressing. I hate having to eat fats, but I did it already. I just had some salad with full fat ranch dressing (Sucks to your as-mar now!! Sorry I say that a lot. Thanks Lord of the Flies...) Now I'm waiting for the main course for tonight: turkey meatloaf with sweet potato and carrots. Even though most people dislike meatloaf, it's not half bad. And because it's turkey meatloaf, it's a lot less fat then using beef. I don't eat beef, anyways. I literally had to pick out all the pieces of beef from my lasagna during my Christmas dinner. Usually I'm not a picky person but for my sanity I must!

Enjoy your evening everyone! Get some sleep to! We gods and goddesses need our beauty sleep, you know...
-Unknown Athena
P.S. I got an 83/100 on my essay for English. I'm so pissed off. I worked my a** off on that evil essay! I think I deserve better than an 83. Plus, it was the honors version of the essay. You need to get above a 93 to have an "H" next to the English 9 credit (H=Honors) on your transcript. Now it won't look as good! And I want to go to RISD for college, so I need every "H" I can get!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Happy New Year!

Sorry this is a bit late, but, Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a splendid vacation (if you had one) and ate lots of yummy foods and had lots of fun. I went to my grandpa's house, then went to my great aunt & uncles house, then went back to my grandpa's house. Slept there. Went home. It was pretty good, I think. I got to see my cousins whom I haven't seen in awhile (by awhile I mean at least 2-3 years), and some other relatives.

We had super-Italian food; lasagna (I had to pick out the pieces of meat because I don't eat red meat), eggplant parm., salad with Italian dressing, ham, chicken, and a hell-of-a-lot-of dessert. There were cookies, upon cookies upon cookies; cakes and cupcakes and pie and tea and coffee and tarts and chocolates and chocolate dipped fruits and carbs alike. It was crazy. Oh, and grapes. Good ol' grapes. I had a ton of them, since they were one of the healthier choices. My mom was so mad when I came home and told her that. She was all like "You should've had more cake and pie and cookies! You need to gain weight!". My response: "I KNOW ALREADY!". It's true. I know I need to gain weight, but knowing and acting are two very different things.

Hope you all have some new years resolutions! I'll post mine sometime soon!
-Unknown Athena