Ulh...

   I feel like a pig. My and my friend, F, were chillin' out and watching Say Yes To The Dress, and my mom brought us a bag of pita chips. F is skinny as hell, and even though everyone says I'm skinny, I feel like the f*cking potato. F ate maybe ten pita chips, whereas I ate around thirty.

   On another awful note, I didn't get accepted to one of the volleyball clubs I tried out for. I feel like $h!t. Not only am I fat, but I suck at volleyball. The club I'm trying out for next week is even more competitive.

Excuse me while I go cry.

 

-Uknown Athena

My Laziness to Post is Scary

Hey everyone! I'm back from camp! 4 week without technology... IN THE BAG! Okay, so I used my phone maybe once or twice to inform my parents on what to send me, but other than that, I stuck to snail-mail.

So camp was awesome. I met a ton of people from all over the world. Pakistan, Nigeria, Scotland, China, Australia, Russia, France, Spain, Venezuela... You name a place, I know someone from there. There were even two guys who asked me to the camp dances.

Literally, my heart raced both times. The first time, it was weird because I barely knew the guy, and he didn't call my pretty. He called me "hot". Sure, I'll take the compliment, but trust me guys, it's better to call a girl pretty than hot. The next session, a guy from Nigeria asked me. We were in the same soccer intensive that morning, and his sister was in my cabin. His whole cabin came to pick my cabin up, to walk us to the dance. It was really sweet. Let's call the guy "P", held my hand the whole way while we talked about corruption and weird things in America. Yup, how romantic. There were only a few slow dances, but when they did play, we danced together. We were so close that our foreheads were practically touching! I never danced with anyone like that. It felt strange, but in a good way. A few of the girls in my cabin said he was leaning in to kiss me (!!!!!), but I didn't notice. It would have been nice to have my first kiss like that. I mean, I'd never see him again, but then it wouldn't be so awkward. Plus, he left the next day because it was the end of camp. But before he left, he told me he liked me. Not just as a friend, like he had romantic feelings for me. That was a first. The whole experiance was a first, and not just with guys. I sang in front of the whole camp. Twice. I sang "Drops of Jupiter" by Train and "Blackbird" by The Beatles. My legs were shaking the whole time, but I got so many compliments afterward. All I could say was "thank you", because if I said, "No, I'm not that good of a singer", that would make me seem like I was fishing for more compliments, which would not be the idea.

I'm gonna miss camp so much. 6 years, hot damn. Next summer, maybe I'll go back as a CIT, but I know that I can't stay there forever. I'll have to get a "real job", whatever that means...

On another note, my eating wasn't much of a problem. I got sick once, but that was most likely because I had a big salad at lunch and dinner, so I "had too much roughage" according to the camp nurse. Sure, I skimped out on fats and carbs a lot, but only because I let myself have a treat from the camp store every so often. The "treats" would range from a fudge pop to Sour Patch Kids or Skinny Cow Ice Cream (they had it, and my day was made).

I gained a lot of muscle, too. When I got home last week, pre-season for volleyball started. I ran an 8 minute and 12 second mile yesterday. Hope I improve!

Enjoy the rest of your summers!

-Unknown Athena

P.S. Sorry this was such a long post. Hope I didn't bore you...

Tell It Like It Is!

I follow lots of blogs, and even though some of them can be a bit dreary and unhelpful towards my recovery, they are so true! I was reading one blog, called (Size) Zero Intentions, and one of her posts made me almost jump up and want to shout and run around and do happy dances. Though I have never experienced these "haters", I think they should leave. Now. Silent haters, I don't mind. Hate in your mind, not on the internet, or to anyone or anywhere else for that matter. Click here to read the post. She should get a cyber hug for that. I'm actually a pretty shy person in real life, but on the internet, I'm a lot more out there, if that makes any sense. I'm not as afraid to speak my mind as in school or at home where my twin brother judges me like there's no flipping tomorrow. I've probably said this a million times, but we are polar opposites. He's sporty, and I'm lazy. I get good grades, he's average. We're different.

On another (and happier) note, I got to finally go swimming at my friend's pool. It's been really really hot, so when she called me, I practically wanted to run to her house, even though it's on the other side of town. So I went swimming, and got some exercise in, even though I had biked a few miles before in the terrible heat. Hopefully I can build some muscle in camp so when volleyball season starts, maybe I'll be a starting player on the team. Only 6 are allowed on the court at a time, so it's a real jungle trying to get the coach to both like you and think you're good.

Don't die in the heat my darlings xx

-Unknown Athena

P.S. I feel lonely sometimes... Don't be afraid to comment! I like to know that someone out there reads this :)

No Me Gusta Heat Waves

It is ridiculously hot out. Think in the high 90's! It's crazy. Yesterday, I was stupid and decided to take a bike ride along the river, and there was zero wind. Nada. Nothing. I'm pretty sure that I looked like I got sprayed with water, but that water was sweat. Gross. Meh.

When I got home I took the coldest shower of my life, but it still didn't feel that cold because I was so hot. At least I got to go swimming in my friend's pool afterwards. That's one of the perks of having friends with pools; you get to go in them! It was for some Girl Scout party, because we finished our hell-ish year. Yes, I'm a Girl Scout. Laugh all you freaking want. But I have access to the cookies, so I pretty much am a Goddess of the Cookies :3

On another note, I feel fat as heck because I had a lot of fear foods there:
-Pizza
-Pasta
-Full-fat dressing on salad
-Cake
-Cupcakes

It was like I was in an inescapable horror movie. So many fatty foods, and I couldn't say no! All the girls in the troop had made them, so I couldn't just say "No thanks" because it would be rude, and saying "I don't want to get fat" as a reason would be super rude.

So yeah, that's my summary of events. Oh yeah, I had my Geometry Regent on Wednesday. It was unbelievably easy. My teacher kept saying, "It will be really hard [so study your a** off]", but it was the easiest thing I ever did in Freshman year! Now I'm considered a Sophomore... It's weird...

Don't die in the heat!

-Unknown Athena

I'm Such an Idiot Sometimes...

MY WEEKEND IN A NUTSHELL:

So my friend, let's call her K, hates me. I was being a stupid idiot, as always. The title of the post shouldn't even be "I'm Such an Idiot Sometimes", it should be, "I'm Such an Idiot All The Time". What happened was, we (Me, K, and some other friends) were chilling in the gym on Friday, and I said something completely stupid. She was talking about how nice my brother is, and even though I'm his sister (I naturally hate him), he is still unlikeable. He always tells me how ugly all my friends are, and how some of them look like elves, or a "fat" or whatever, so I wanted to tell K how it really is. I told her, and she flipped the shit on me. I couldn't even say anything I was so shameless. I really felt like cutting that night (and still do...) but I haven't yet. I really want to apologize on Monday but K is one of those people that either forget it the next day or hold a grudge against you for the rest of your life. Seeing that she declined to my Facebook invite for my 15th birthday party, she's probably going to hold a grudge against me for the rest of my life. What should I do? I'm so nervous that I feel sick!

Hope your weekends are going better than mine... If you're in the same boat I'm in, good luck on all your finals and Regents!

-Unknown Athena

I'm Baaaaaaaack!

Hey guys! Sorry that I haven't posted in so long. I was in Maine for the last week because my mom went to California. It was lots of fun: I had the BEST COOKIE EVER. And I bought a ton of CDs, and I got, wait for it, a Pokemon game! It's like reliving my childhood. The game I bought was the Pokemon Sapphire for the Game Boy. It's so ancient that they don't make or sell Game Boys or Gme Boy games. :(

Sorry that this post is so short. I just am in an "I Feel Fat" mood and I want to try some new ab workouts. I'm pretty sure I gained a pound or two in Maine. Well, I'll find that out on Thursday when I see my therapist and nutritionist.

Stay Strong and Carry On!

-Unknown Athena

Valentines Day...

I actually had a very uneventful Valentines Day, as expected. If fat were a feeling though, I would have felt fat all day: I got chocolate from two friends, sweet-hearts (the one's with the odd sayings that make no sense... "Jump 4 Me"? Really? My friend scratched off the "4" so it said "Jump Me"... Very funny... Moving on...), cookies, rice-krispie treats, brownies... Oh, there is more, but I'm tired and sick and stressed and ULH JUST 2 MORE DAYS 'TILL BREAK! Did I tell you that my mom is ditching me to go to California with her friend for a week? Nice one, mom. Whatever, I'm going to Maine with a friend because apparentally it's illegal for me to stay home alone for a week (though re-inacting Home Alone 1 would be interesting).
Back to Valentines Day, I was sitting in Spanish with my guy friend, let's call him A, and finishing some print out or "photocopia" my teacher says. Then these two kids sitting on the other side of the classroom (the teacher was outside doing oral tests one by one), let's call then G and J, say "OMG JUST GO OUT ALREADY!". My response: "?"
I've never really thought about A that way. He's great, really. He's funny, smart, and understanding. But I can't get my mind around us "going out", whatever that means for a Freshman in high school. We can't drink, we can't drive, we can't even go to a resteraunt without having to have a parent drive us. It doesn't make sense! So now my face gets hot and I barely make out an excuse for not dating. A backs me up, too, saying "We're just friends" and all, but I can't stop thinking about it. It's so... Ack I can't even describe how weird that would be! Anyways, I'm not really a perfect girl for a relationship. For one thing, I have anorexia and depression. Secondly, I'm like a giraffe and my skin isn't 100% flawless. I'm not thin nor fat. Not smart nor dumb. I'm average. That word irks me. Average. It's not exeptional, but it doesn't suck. Like me.

How did everyone else's Valentines Days go? I hope they weren't as awkward as mine!

-Unknown Athena

May the Gods be with you... Despite it's corniness I like it!

Stupidity and Poor Planning

I had an idea. I wanted to have a party. Screw Valentines Day and everyone being all lovey dovey with their partners, I wanted to have a party. But no party for me. I planned to late. No one can come. Tears are falling down my face. I feel like a loser. This isn't good. The voices. They're coming back. In whispers, the tell me, "stop eating, it's not worth it. what's the matter, wus? have no friends to give you joy? hah! sucks, loser. hope you enjoy your worthless life, with no friends at your funeral. look, there are some knives just feet away from you. they're shiny. they'll make you feel good. that blood? yeah, that's the sign of a good time. you should try it. c'mon, don't be scared, you dumb-sh!t! you're not wanted anyway. hurting yourself is good. c'mon, we're waiting...". I'm going f*cking insane, aren't I? I can't enjoy this month t all. I'm single, loveless, unwanted, an outcast; I could go on and on and on. This isn't fun. Life isn't fun. I want to relapse but I can't get myself to commit. Gods, what the hell is the point of life if I can't even have friends to enjoy it with?

-Unknown Athena

Theatres and Fat-People-Food

Hey guys! You guessed it; I went to the movies today. Me and my friend, let's call her Z, went to see that movie Tintin, but not in 3D. 3D ruins movies, so 2D was the way to go. It was also the only way the movie theatre showed the movie, so... Yeah. She's lost a lot of weight, and she looks lovely. I'm still puzzled how she can eat "normal people" food without guilt; buttery movie popcorn, sugar-loaded candies, smoothies, ice cream, etc. It's amazing, but I can't do it. She got a small popcorn and her sibling got sour patch kids. I had roughly a smll handful, and regretted it. It may be popcorn, one of the "diet foods", but it was movie style. Movie style = FAT FAT FATITTY FAT FAT FATTED. No, I do not care if "fatted" and "fatitty" are not in the English language... Yet (LOL was added to the English dictionary, as well as Teboing; the act of kneeling down on one knee, putting your fist to your forehead, and praying). 'Still doesn't shake away the fact that I had sodium-saturated, fat-laden food. I wish I could work out, but my mom checks on me every ten minutes or so because I was catagorized as a "compulsive exercizer"when I was admitted to the hospital, among other things. SO, she can't let me alone for ten minutes without thinking I'm doing push ups or crunches or whatever. I need help. How can I work out?! And gym class does not count. Gym is a joke to me, legit. Ulh, I want to get back to working out, and playing sports, but that leads to relapsing, and I'd rather not relapse again :(

Bleh, no me gusta!

-Unknown Athena

This is Halloween, this is Halloween...

Happy Halloween everyone!! I can't believe Halloween's today, a MONDAY. And they closed school because the power is screwed up... And half our town isn't "safe for trick-or-treaters". Killjoy... I'm so pissed!! A lot of my friends have zero power, so I can't call them, or text them (did I tell you about my stupid phone incident?), or just contact them in general. None of them are on facebook or AIM or whatnot, so I guess I'll have to eat a bunch of popcorn and watch Charlie Brown and the Great Pumpkin all by myself on T.V. :|

-Unknown Athena

Deep Breathes, Athena, Deep Breathes

I need to rant. Like. Now. So, you're kinda, sorta, going to be reading my rants that the world can now see... IN HD! Just kidding. Maybe not. Okay I'm totally lying. *Deep breath* My ranting starts now:

My house smells like $h!t, my dog smells like $h!t, I feel like $h!t, my mom made me eat like a bulimic, my mom's being a nag, my dog's an idiot, it's 11:30 at night, I'm cold, I'm tired, I'm eating even though I'm deathly full, I'm scared I won't make the volleyball team, I'm probably going to miss Fashion's Night Out, my brother's acting like a know-it-all, I'm tired, it's too loud, Zoe doesn't know how to use a bu-day (even though she's Portuguese), I don't even know how to spell bu-day, and Shana's Budew won't freaking evolve!

... There, I'm done. A freaking skunk made my dog go nuts and get infested with that gross skunk-y smell, my mom was yelling, my brother was doing nothing, and I had to give my stupid dog a bath at eleven o'clock at night. Last Saturday of Summer = Ruined.

Goodnight!
-Unknown Athena

Last Night...

The lightning and thunder was freaking crazy! I bet ya'll (I'm not from the South nor of any sort of Southern heritage) thought I was gonna say something like "I tried drugs" or "I lost my virginity", or even something like, "I had my first kiss! (Hah, like that's gonna happen in the near future). Nope, I'm a loser and like to talk about the weather. But seriously, that weather last night was really freaky. I was at a friends house for a mini get together/birthday sleepover and while eating cake and playing Super Smash-Bros Brawl (greatest game. EVER) on the Wii, the thunder was so loud I couldn't tell whether the noise was from the thunder itself or something in our stage we were playing on. It was freaky, and even more freaky because we we pretty much high off of sugar. That's what happens when there's a bag of mini chocolate chips in your friends house (which I'm quite proud of eating. It's a great accomplishment in terms of my recovery)...

I dunno where any of ya'll live (except Miss Managed at her Mischief Managed-ness-ness-ness), but I hope you guys slept! Guess who didn't? *raises hand*

In other news, I was cleared for camp! The only restriction in activity is that I can't do more than two sports a day. Yeah, like that's gonna happen.

-Unknown Athena

Fun Nights and loads of Grease!

Yup, it's 11:55 at night, but I'm still up. Sure, the curtain fell, but I'm still playing. Not really. I was trying to be all metaphorical and stuff. So yeah. Tonight I performed in my school's spring musical; Grease. Sadly I didn't get to finish that earlier post (which I will continue at some point. Key word; some point), but here's a new one fresh off the press. There were many cheers, and flowers (I can't believe my dad got these for me!!), and compliments, and photos taken tonight. I was so thrilled that no one would know I have/had (can't tell anymore) depression! Me and my friends went out to a diner last night to celebrate, which is the tradition with plays and musicals; have fun, then go to a diner. It works like so. But tonight I was so drained and tired that I went home. Delilah was happy to see me, she couldn't stop jumping!

-Unknown Athena

P.S. You should see my apple seed now! It's grown so much! I gotta take a picture to show you guys!

P.P.S. Happy almost-birthday to my friend!

If only if only...

... I could block this stupid thought from my head. It's so ridiculous, and I guess I have to tell you since I mentioned it; I like someone. Yeah, crushes. I get why they're called, crushes. They can legit, crush you, even if they don't know it. Looking at those two, it makes me want to crawl into a hole and cry. I know it's all acting (did I tell you guys I'm in my school's musical? I'm an old lady, while everyone else gets to look cute and young-ish. Grr...), and plus the guy's also a "lady-killer" (taken from the script), but I can't block out that ______ thought!!!! This is like, not nice. It's not even real jealousy, because they're only acting, right? They don't have real feelings for each other, right? :(

Oh no, I'm getting worried. And when I'm worried it's hard to eat. I was worried at practice so badly I just let my friend eat half of my sushi, and I need that sushi. I don't want to go back to the hospital (or as I like to call it, Hell). I want to do track. I want to go to camp. I want to go to Spain. I may not want to gain weight, but looking "big" is better than not being seen at all, I guess.

Why is it that I can't be in control? Sadly I'm so passive; I let people practically walk all over me. Help me with this, it's so hard to do alone. How can I refuse? My friends are pretty much as important as family, if not more. How do you say "no" to the ones so close to you?

-Unknown Athena

What comes up must come down... To like, China!

No racism on China! It's just an expression! You know, like when you were a little kid and thought you could dig to China? Yeah, that's what I meant. Annnnnnnnyways, this post has nothing to do with China, but I needed a cool title to go with this. Moving on...
My life is currently a hell-hole, place, whatever. I had to call the police earlier today on my brother because he was getting crazy about not wanting to get off his xBox. He was screaming, crying, cursing, threatening, breaking stuff... My mom tried to break his xBox, but sadly failed and it works like a charm. My brother broke his cell phone, which was pretty broken before. The police officer talked to him for awhile, but none of the stuff she said seemed to get into his head. A few minutes later, he was back on, screaming into the screen, as if those pixel-ized soldiers actually existed. I sense an addiction... Hmm... After that, I felt depressed and hung out with some friends. (Hey, that's better then crying in my room, right?) Now I'm just waiting for my mom and dog (they're at Petsmart doing that dog-training thing) to come home so I can make dinner, yes, I make the dinners about 75% of the time now, and go see my friend perform at the library.

Any suggestions to calm down my ADHD-anxiety-stressed-twin brother?

-Unknown Athena