Crack

   Today was interesting, it had it's ups and downs. I guess the only thing I'll share today was in health class. Don't get me wrong, I love health class, and the teacher (she's WONDERFUL!), but today, I cracked a bit.

   Even though I've patched up the pieces of myself from my eating disorder a while ago, I couldn't help but feel my throat tighten and tear up when we got to the topic of eating disorders. Of course, I knew almost as much (if not equally) about eating disorders as my teacher, and I know I should ignore it, but then she said, "eating disorders never fully go away from the mind", I started crying a bit. Luckily, she didn't notice a thing.

   At lunch, I felt fat as f*ck from that (I have health right before lunch two out of the eight days in my school's cycle), so when I went to the local coffee shop to get hot cocoa, I ordered a small rather than a large, with skin milk, and no marshmallows or whipped cream. It tasted okay, but my sh!tty body image made it taste worse. The fact that I felt the need to order a more diet-y version of my favorite drink made me feel like sh!t.

On a brighter note, I only have maybe three to four hours of homework this weekend, then studying! Party! -____-

 

Stay Strong and Carry On xx,

Unknown Athena

Sophomore Year = HELLLLLLLLLL

   So I haven't posted in a while... Please don't shoot me! I've been SO busy. The homework load for Algebra 2/Trig., AP World, Chemistry, Spanish and Studio Art are MASSIVE. I have a problem set, textbook work in AP World and A2T, a lab for Chemistry to finish, a million and six verbs to memorize for Spanish 3, and finish a bunch of sketchbook things for art.

   Oh yeah, and I have 3 hours of volleyball a day, and games go on until around 7-8 pm. And my mom makes me eat like a pig... And I'm on my period, so I'm fat as hell and I'm breaking out :(

   I want to crawl into a hole and come out only when high school is over for the year....

-Unknown Athena

Week of Hell

Sorry for the lack of posting lately. And sorry for saying sorry so many freaking times. I seriously need to stop saying sorry so much : Anyways, I'm in school, in Arts & Crafts, a.k.a. the easy A class. I literally have a 97 average without trying. It's the same with my 98 average in Spanish, but that might be because I have a sucky teacher who is super slow. At least I don't have him today. But this week will be hell, let me tell you.

I have three known tests this week, all on the same freaking day!! On Thursday, first period (normally second period, but it's going to be a double even day, so...) I have a Geometry Triterm, which has the same concept of a midterm, only in the third quarter (even though it's the fourth quarter now...). After that, I have band. Then lunch. After lunch, I'm faced with a Spanish exam, which would be easy if I would actually memorize the meanings of the words and didn't have to translate English into Spanish. Of course my teacher would do it the hard way : After that, I'm hit with an Earth Science unit test on Earth's energy. Two or three weeks ago (I was on break last week, but I'm still counting it), I missed a day of school because I felt like total crap, and my evil teacher decides to start a whole new unit. BULL. ABSOLUTE BULL. So Thursday is going to make me want to restrict, maybe even cut. At some wierd Pampered Chef thing my mom made me go to earlier, I somehow won a paring knife. Of course I won the knife of all things. So now whenever I go into my room, I see the shiny new knife with it's maroon handle and white paper blade-cover.

On another note, last night was hell. My brother was being more like a four year old than a fourteen year old, and got my mom upset again. So they started yelling at each other and my mom was crying and he made a hole in the wall and I got so upset that I went to my friend S's house, running the whole mile-ish there. Then we watched Glee and played Smash Bros on her Wii, which cheered me up :)

Stay strong Goddesses!

-Unknown Athena

3 Pounds...

I LOST 3 POUNDS I'M SO UPSET! Normally I would be happy about this but my nutritionist was going to say I would only come every other week or once a month for me! But then somehow I lost 3 pounds over winter break, despite the fact that I ate a ton of food. And no, it was not all diet "safe" foods. Think fat in fat in fat; that's what I felt like I was eating. This irritates me so much! Now I'm about 8 pounds below my goal weight of 125 lbs, not 5 pounds like it was before. Grr. And my "assignment" for the week is to use full-fat salad dressing. I hate having to eat fats, but I did it already. I just had some salad with full fat ranch dressing (Sucks to your as-mar now!! Sorry I say that a lot. Thanks Lord of the Flies...) Now I'm waiting for the main course for tonight: turkey meatloaf with sweet potato and carrots. Even though most people dislike meatloaf, it's not half bad. And because it's turkey meatloaf, it's a lot less fat then using beef. I don't eat beef, anyways. I literally had to pick out all the pieces of beef from my lasagna during my Christmas dinner. Usually I'm not a picky person but for my sanity I must!

Enjoy your evening everyone! Get some sleep to! We gods and goddesses need our beauty sleep, you know...

-Unknown Athena

P.S. I got an 83/100 on my essay for English. I'm so pissed off. I worked my a** off on that evil essay! I think I deserve better than an 83. Plus, it was the honors version of the essay. You need to get above a 93 to have an "H" next to the English 9 credit (H=Honors) on your transcript. Now it won't look as good! And I want to go to RISD for college, so I need every "H" I can get!

Silver Award!

Another thing I'm not quite sure I've mentioned on here: I'm a girl scout. Still. Laugh all you want, because I've been a girl scout for eight years, I think. Since first grade. I'm in 9th grade. So yeah, eight years. I got my "Bronze Award" in 6th grade or something. Apparently all of this stuff looks good on you resume and college applications, so that's the main reason I'm still in girl scouts. Also, I need at least 25 hours or community service before I graduate, so girl scouts is pretty much an easy "A" for that. But I think that if you get like, 25 hours every yeas, or something, you get a better diploma or something like that.

Back to girl scouts, I just earned my Silver Award. Tomorrow I have to go to the girl scout counsal and attend the "Silver Award Seremony", which I'm pretty sure is just a three hour waste of my time. They call up every girl, one by one, to get a little plastic pin painted silver. It's awful, I've heard. Now I have to waste three or more hours of my time when I could be studying. I have three tests this week, and I'm not so confident that I'll ace them all. Especially global history. We're having a Greek geography quiz, and I'm not so good at labeling things on a map, let alone memorize the names of all the places!

-Unknown Athena

P.S. I did enter the contest I had talked about earlier. Wish me luck! :)
P.P.S. I had three slices of my dad's homemade pizza without guilt. My nutritionist will be so happy!

Sorry!!

'Kay, so a few things. One, I'm SO SORRY I haven't posted in like, a week and a half. I've been getting bombed with a bunch of homework, which is living hell. DO the teachers understand we have a life to live here? Seriously, it pisses me off. I have math homework and English homework almost every night. And my Spanish teacher, don't get me started. He's so annoying. He talks to us like we've never spoken Spanish before. We're in Spanish 2 for a reason! :|

Another thing, it's snowing. Snowing. In October. What is this madness?! And it's not that nice, fluffy snow, it's that icky wet snow that is living hell to drive in. I had to withstand giving my mom reassurence for an hour and a half driving less than five miles from our house because 1) she hates driving, 2) she hates driving in icky weather, and 3) she's really emotional and curses like there's no tomorrow when the brakes don't work. I'm seriously wondering how we didn't crash (we were pretty damn close though...). How is everyone supposed to trick-or-treat on Monday? My mom says the snow's gonna melt and the temperature's supposed to warm up, but still. It just doesn't feel right. This feels like the beginning of the end of the world. I've never seen snow fall before Thanksgiving, so when it snows before Halloween, well that's just plain strange. Does anyone else agree with me?

-Unknown Athena

P.S. This is kinda random, but do any of you believe that the world's going to end in 2012?
P.P.S. I tried my Ensure Plus warmed up in the microwave today. It surprisingly tasted a lot better then when it's served cold! So weird!!

Just Two More Weeks, No, LESS!

   Whoa... The volleyball season has gone by so fast. It seems like just yesterday I came into pre-season in my splatter-painted spandex and big orange camp shirt, expecting to be the top of the game. Oh that was hilarious!! We just had our 4th-to-last game. It was for breast cancer awareness. We played another school and the whole place was covered in a ton of pink stuff; pink balloons, pink streamers, pink cupcakes... Let's just say I'd rather not see any more pink for awhile. Both us (JV) and varsity won our games, which was awesome, and some people won stuff from the raffle. Some guy won a tanning gift card... LAWLZ.... I had two cookies, and this HUGE marshmallow that was covered in chocolate and dipped in orange and brown sprinkles... On a STICK. It was love, people. LOVE.

Have an awesome weekend!!

-Unknown Athena

BUMP! SET! SPIKE! (NO, that was actually another SET)

On a serious note, I'm sorry I haven't posted in pretty much forever. Let's just say high school + volleyball + appointments + homework = recipe for no free time whatsoever. I currently don't like high school all too much. It's so... Boring. Nothing like in the movies with the mean girls and the drama and the ignorant teachers... It's so not what I expected!! But on a better note, both us (JV) and varsity volleyball won our homecoming games! They won 3/4 of the games they played (they play best 3 out of 5) and we won 2/2 (we usually play best 2 out of 3, but they wanted varsity to go so none of our spectators had to leave before varsity kicked arse). I also had to babysit a girl while doing all of this... Let's just say it was an interesting day. The football players watch our game (God knows why), and call out each hit we make. They failed most of the time, it was kinda funny, actually. And a lot of parents came and everyone cheered, and everyone except our opponents was super-happy... Spirit week is now over, and let the rest of the boring Freshman Year begin!

-Unknown Athena

P.S. Did anyone else win their homecoming games in their sports? Hope so! ;)
P.P.S. My doctor said I'm "doing well" so I can play volleyball for the rest of the season (given that I keep my weight up... Which will so happen)!!

365 days, 524 recipes, 1 tiny apartment kitchen {and 6 days 'till Hell, oh I mean school}

Julie & Julia: A.K.A. my favorite summer read next to the Hunger Games series (have I mentioned how much I love the Hunger Games?). I started it, uh, two days ago? And I'm on page 100-somethingth. I feels accomplished. This book sounds a lot like what all my friends in text, but not so much the aspect of French cooking. Some favorite excerpts:

*"Unbidden, the word violate popped into my head. 'It's like bone rape. Oh God, did I just say that out loud?'"

*Of course the cow I got marrow from had a fairly crappy life- lots of crowds and 0vermedication and bland food that might or might not have been a relative." (Sounds a lot like America, don't you think?

* "'It's like eating life. It's almost like eating my own life, you know?' 'No, not really. But it's a hell of a good steak, sis.'"

... And that's just two pages. Think of the other grotesque and/or funny lines in the other 307 pages? Why is reading about other peoples lives so much more fun than your own? Seriously, it's true. Don't deny it. Unless you're highly famous, or extremely rich. Then I'll let you off the hook. Other than that, it's undeniably true.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For me, and probably the rest of the youth of New York, school starts in 6 days. Six. Miniscule. Days. How did summer go by so fast? Oh joy, Wake Me Up When September Ends is echoing in the back of my head. Not what I planned but okay.

What did you guys do this summer? Vacation in tropical locations? Get bitten to death by mosquitoes in sleep-away camp? Doze the days away? Study? (the last one was a joke. honestly) I went to camp, which explains why there's a good month-long chunk of time blank where blog posts were supposed to go. No exotic vacations. No cute tell-tale romances (or any romances for that matter). No plastic-encased memories from ridiculously overpriced gift shops. Just some pictures on my camera and a bunch of new friends. :-)

-Unknown Athena

Guilt...

... And I'm not talking about food here. Actually I am, but not in the anorexic mind-set I would usually be speaking of. I'm talking about hunger. Not that hunger you get just every once in a while or after sports. I mean real hunger. The kind you feel every morning, afternoon and night. The one you sleep with and pray that one day you can get seconds or just have more food for you and your family. I've been obsessing over Freerice.com lately and find it quite addicting. It's almost like school, but in an easier, more fun way. Every answer you get right, Freerice donates 10 grains of rice to help end world hunger. My account has donated over 21,000 grains of rice. Now I don't know for sure how much rice that is if I saw it in front of my face, but it makes me feel good I can get to level 10 on the Spanish subject (they have other languages as well), or somehow manage to get to level 5 on the French one (even though I have no idea how to speak French to save me). Besides Spanish and French, they also have:

-Italian
-German
-County Capitols
-Flags of the World
-Geography
-Chemistry (Basic & Full)
-Math (multiplication & pre-algebra)
-English Grammar & Vocab.
-Literature
-And Famous Paintings

So pretty much everyone besides the music obsessed (A.K.A. myself and my friends) and those who wish to keep learning other languages (A.K.A. me and my other friend) is covered.

In other news, my friend Mischief Managed told me some random news that even I did not know: So my school system thinks the term "foreign language" sounds racist (?), so instead of foreign language, they now call it L.O.T.E (Languages Other Than English). Wierd, I know. Now... Who thinks that foreign language sounds racist? I don't. Weird xenophobes...

-Unknown Athena

P.S. How did everyone fair with Hurricane Irene? I got a few branches and such scattered all over my backyard but that's it. Oh, and we have a bit of flooding and a ton of wind. It's creepy.

So... The Regents...

They were so freaking easy! Why was I freaking out so much? That math, only two questions I'm 100% sure I got the wrong answer. And yes, that was terrible grammar. Sucks. Anyways, that evil Regent threw my whole body out of wack. I had to have lunch at 11:00, and had my "meds" (A.K.A. a 530 calorie, 145 from fat, "snack", comprised of a Luna Bar and Ensure Plus) at 2:30-ish.

And more annoyingly, I had to wait a whole freaking HOUR (after I had finished my test and checked over all my answers) before my math teacher (the only math teacher authorized to take our finished tests in the whole dang school) got back to our homeroom. All the while, I could only sit and stare at the wall. No reading. No doodling. No taking (it said so in that extensively long list of rules). No nothing. It sucked. But I had gum, so it was okay. Actually the gum was more annoying than helpful because I didn't fee like taking my retainer out during the test. They'd probably think I'd written my notes in it (which is b-t-dubs, GROSS!) or something.

Well, on the bright side (... I'm roughly six feet tall. Nope. more like 5'7 and a half), my friend painted my nails for our "prom". A.K.A, going on a boat for 3 hours. They're shimmery pink and a metallic nude. The combination sounds aweful, but it actually looks pretty good. Now, off to the stupid nutritionist! She'll probably kill me, because I haven't seen her in a month, and haven't don't a single meal plan.

If I live through her, I'll write later!
-Unknown Athena

Pictures, Hipsters, and IM's oh my!

Ack... That seems so... Artificial... So fake... So... So... HIPSTER. El gasp. I said it. I used some form of hipster reference. Yeah, I was talking about hipsters yesterday, but we "hipsters" are not half bad, besides the fact we are called the same thing as what's under our pants. (Anyone?)
Yesterday I went to a math review. Then home. Then Best Buy. They really aren't much of a "best" buy kinda place, but it was big. And filled. With. Cameras. So a few weeks/months (how long has the suffering been?!) ago, I lost my camera. My baby. My precious. Miki. Actually that was just the character on the sticker I put on it. But anyways, Miki, got lost. More like misplaced. I have no freaking idea. If you don't know already, I love taking pictures. I'm weird. Usually I don't leave the house without it. I brought it to camp. To Key Largo. I even tried the hospital, but they only confiscated it. But that was in December, and I clearly remember taking New Years pictures on January first.

So yesterday. My mom wanted me to get another camera. But I hate spending money, and kinda, sorta, broke down right before we went in. Luckily no one saw. Besides the creepy nonexistent old guy in the corner. I walked in, and saw it. God, in camera form. A total beauty. Like Athena. It was shiny, not too big-not too small, black, a Nikon Coolpix. Not the tiny little ones (Miki was a Coolpix), but a real good one. Think mini SLR. I ended up getting it, along with a case. I brought it to school. I wouldn't let people touch it. It felt weird, like a parent protecting it's young. I guess I'm a mom now...

Nooooooooow, onto my "IM's oh my!" part. I just realized how much I hate when Atheists say "Oh my God!". No offense to all the Atheists out there. Actually a lot of my best friends are Atheist. I don't really have a religion, but not Atheist. Once a lady came into the hospital and asked if there was a God in my life. I said I don't know. It got very awkward after that. Anyways, it's just odd to say "Oh my God," when you don't think that one (or more) exists. And when people just randomly say IM abbreviations out loud, like "LOL", "ROFL", "BRB", etc. Only when Olivia (one of my lovely,crazy friends) says that kind of stuff it's okay. She's Atheist. It annoys me when she says "OMG", but she's not being legit. So it's all good.

Lesson for today: If you're Atheist, think before you say "Oh my God", Nikon rocks, and don't bust $300 of you mom's money. Bye bye! I'll be washing dishes and not getting anymore presents for the next two years!

-Unknown Athena

P.S. Good Luck to all the people out there taking their Regents tomorrow! I'm with you in spirit (Yet I'm also taking it. You're not alone. Alright?).

"HANDS UP!"

Alright, I haven't posted in what, over a month?! I'm crazy, and I'm really sorry. But, I can explain. I actually have a few reasons, and maybe you'll understand a bit. Yes? No? Well then...

1) My laptop died. I'm not talking about the battery. It just died. It's being evil on me. But the poor thing's lived a long life since 2003. First it was my dad's laptop for work, and it got worked to death. Then somehow it became mine, and it was a pretty good laptop, nix all the Trogen-virus-things it's had in it's lifetime. But now, may it rest in peace... Until I can think of a way to fix it.

2) School. I have three regents to prepare for. A "Living Environment" Regent (A.K.A. a fancy-shancy way of saying "Biology"), an "Intergraded (Can't spell it...) Algebra" one, and a "Spanish 1" one. And I wasn't for school in two weeks (I'll explain in #3), so when I came back to school I was a dumb blond in Harvard; confused.

3) I relapsed. I relapsed, I relapsed I FREAKING RELAPSED. I didn't want to. I didn't even fully try. It just happened. And I went back. For three freaking weeks. And on the Monday of Spring Break, too. Life is just not fair my fellow cyber-surfers. Not. Effing. FAIR.

Every day at that "prison", I like to call it, was exasperatingly painful. I mean, I did have some fun times, coloring and making bracelets and playing dumb with the doctors, but in total, it pretty much sucked. And the last two days before my discharge, I was crying. I was in freaking HYSTERICS. I was so scared. Scared that I may relapse. Scared that I'd miss all the regents, or fail them. Or not go to the Boat Dance (the 8th grade equivalent of a prom), or even graduate middle school. The school that everyone graduates. But that was just me thinking of worst-case scenarios, so hopefully none of that happens. And I already got my boat dance dress, so if I can't go I may as well kill someone.

Happy Killings,
Unknown Athena

P.S. I'm really sorry, about not posting. The hospital doesn't have computers!!
P.P.S. In happy news, my apple plant is like, a foot tall. And has lots of leaves. YAY!!!

National Day of Silence

Being me, I decided to go for this: National Day of Silence. This "holiday" is supposed to be an act against LGBT bullying by not saying anything at all. Thankfully I've been using a mini white-board to write all my expressions. It's so hard! And I'm only doing it for the school day. When the clock hits 2:50 pm, I'm FREE! 24 hours would be too hard, plus, I talked before I went to school. Is anyone else doing this? Or is it just me and my friends? -Unknown Athena

If only if only...

... I could block this stupid thought from my head. It's so ridiculous, and I guess I have to tell you since I mentioned it; I like someone. Yeah, crushes. I get why they're called, crushes. They can legit, crush you, even if they don't know it. Looking at those two, it makes me want to crawl into a hole and cry. I know it's all acting (did I tell you guys I'm in my school's musical? I'm an old lady, while everyone else gets to look cute and young-ish. Grr...), and plus the guy's also a "lady-killer" (taken from the script), but I can't block out that ______ thought!!!! This is like, not nice. It's not even real jealousy, because they're only acting, right? They don't have real feelings for each other, right? :(

Oh no, I'm getting worried. And when I'm worried it's hard to eat. I was worried at practice so badly I just let my friend eat half of my sushi, and I need that sushi. I don't want to go back to the hospital (or as I like to call it, Hell). I want to do track. I want to go to camp. I want to go to Spain. I may not want to gain weight, but looking "big" is better than not being seen at all, I guess.

Why is it that I can't be in control? Sadly I'm so passive; I let people practically walk all over me. Help me with this, it's so hard to do alone. How can I refuse? My friends are pretty much as important as family, if not more. How do you say "no" to the ones so close to you?

-Unknown Athena

Anyone remember C.O.O.L. and J.E.R.K?

Oh the days of elementary school... When the worst thing you could say to a person was "Shut up" or "You're stupid" or "You're such a cool kid!". Anyone remember those acronyms? C.O.O.L, ring a bell? You know, constipated, overrated, outdated loser? And J.E.R.K; Junior Educated Rich Kid, or something like that? For whatever reason I thought of those things when I came home from a sleepover at my friends house. I conked out before midnight so I was well-rested when I got up. Then I went home and delivered some girl scout cookies. Then took a shower, and am too lazy to go back to delivering more cookies. Don't you have those moments too? When you know you should be productive but are too lazy to go through with it? Yeah, I'm having one of those....

-Unknown Athena

P.S. My apple seed grew so much! As in, more than an inch!

Going that Extra Mile

Is it worth it? Is it worth the extra effort? Does the "+" or "-" really make a difference? I have no clue. This project for social studies is killing me; killing me. I have to do a full citation for everything (thank God for Easybib.com), and find everything there is to know on the topic I'm researching for our American Dream project. For whatever reason, I chose gay rights. Sadly, there isn't much out there on gay rights. Have any suggestions?

Yay for lunch period!
-Unknown Athena

I like this idea...

First, I'm really sorry I haven't posted in the past 2 days. My goal at the beginning of this blog was to post every day, but I kinda, sorta failed :|. Most likely I failed to reach my goal at the beginning of this blog. Ack! Bad talk! Don't self hate on self! Yeah, these are my new tools to boost my self esteem. Which brings me to this website I found called Operation Beautiful. It's basically this site where they try to spread the word of getting everyone to stop the bad self-talk, and now I'm really excited to try it. I'm not so sure (because it's hard to tell, obviously) how many girls in my school do self-hate, but now I can't wait for school tomorrow to put post-its in the bathroom! Aw, I wish I learned about this site yesterday! Then I could've put them in the locker room as well! Oh well, I have gym on... Friday. Yeah, Friday. You have no idea how happy I was when my "team" (the school's social worker, psychiatrist and nurse) told me I could start doing gym again. I practically screamed!

Post-It Notes and Kisses,
Unknown Athena

How do you handle it?

Besides recovering from anorexia, I'm also recovering from depression. Some people say that anorexia and depression go hand-in-hand, but I don't get that. It sounds like a terrible marriage to me!! Last night I had a "depression attack" I like to call it. It's when everything is fine until one thing upsets you and you take that sadness to a whole new level. When I had a depression attack, I slept, and stupidly skipped the Ensure. And when you have a huge headache to go with it, life does not feel great; so I stayed home from school today. I brushed my new family member, Delilah, finished my math project, and am now updating le blog. Delilah's the cutest, craziest little pup on the planet; to me. She's a little over a year old (her birthday's in November), and we got her over February break. I swear she's better at keeping down depression than my anti-depressions (which FYI, don't work!). Dogs just do that to you, I guess. They can be a pain in the boot, but they automatically become the love of your life! My mom keeps saying having a dog's like having a baby. Obviously, I can't relate to that (I'm only 13!!), but I love the unconditional love Delilah gives. She even loves my twin brother! How is that possible?!

-Unknown Athena

P.S. If you have "depression-attacks", how do you handle them?