Ulh...

   I feel like a pig. My and my friend, F, were chillin' out and watching Say Yes To The Dress, and my mom brought us a bag of pita chips. F is skinny as hell, and even though everyone says I'm skinny, I feel like the f*cking potato. F ate maybe ten pita chips, whereas I ate around thirty.

   On another awful note, I didn't get accepted to one of the volleyball clubs I tried out for. I feel like $h!t. Not only am I fat, but I suck at volleyball. The club I'm trying out for next week is even more competitive.

Excuse me while I go cry.

 

-Uknown Athena

Fat Fat Fat... I am Fat.

   Volleyball's finally over :( But hopefully I get into club later in November. There are tryouts in two weeks and I'm so nervous! I'm not the worst player, but I'm not the greatest. Now, I don't have anything for exersize. I used to do ab workouts in my room, but my mom caught me once and now every time I'm in my room, she checks in every couple minutes! I'm 15, not 5!

   I went to my nutritionist for the first time this month, and I have good and bad news. The good news is that I'm five-foot-eight, which is the minimum height requirement for modeling (at most places). The bad news is, I'm 129.8 pounds. 129.8! I told her I wasn't upset and the number didn't affect me, but inside I was DYING. Most likely, I gained muscle weight during volleyball, but I hate it. I can still see my collar bones, and hip bones, but you can barely see my ribs. I like my ribs, as weird as that seems :\

On another note, hope everyone on the East Coast gets through Hurricane Sandy! "SHE DOESN'T EVEN GO HERE!"

-Uknown Athena

Piggy did Good for Once...

   I'm so tired it's crazy! Yesterday I had an all-day volleyball tournament. We had to be at the school at 7 am (on a SATURDAY!), and we got back around 6 pm. My coach made me play middle, and I usually play right side. That was interesting, in short. We played 5 games, and then we moved on and played a 6th game. Another team came that wasn't invited as well. Awkwaaaaaaaaaard...
  
   I ate like a pig, because the gym in the school we went to was huge and hot and gross. I drank a good three bottles of water, and snacked like a mad woman. There were SOOOOO many bad foods there: Chex Mix, pizza, cookies, candy, chips, popcorn, etc. I tried really hard to eat healthy foods, but it didn't exactly work out :(

   On the bright side, I played really well considering it was my first time playing middle. I got some blocks, some hits, and even got my serve in! My coach said that I got a starting spot on our game on Tuesday. I'm happy!!

Enjoy your three-day weekends!

-Unknown Athena

Nervous!

Today I have my first scrimage for volleyball. I'm so nervous! There are now 9 girls on my team in total. One of the freshmen quit to join the cheerleading squad. I literally died. Competitive cheer is one thing, but to quit volleyball to cheer for sweaty Juniors and Seniors who don't care at football games? Weird...

So yeah, I'm nervous. We technically don't have enough people to play, but we're pulling the two sophomores on Varsity to play on JV for now but act like they're trying out for Varsity. Lying is fun :)

I ate a bowl of Kashi instant oatmeal and a cup of hot cocoa (AKA: Nesquik and 1% milk in the microwave). I hope that'll sustain me until lunch, if I eat any...

Stay strong!

-Unknown Athena

My Laziness to Post is Scary

Hey everyone! I'm back from camp! 4 week without technology... IN THE BAG! Okay, so I used my phone maybe once or twice to inform my parents on what to send me, but other than that, I stuck to snail-mail.

So camp was awesome. I met a ton of people from all over the world. Pakistan, Nigeria, Scotland, China, Australia, Russia, France, Spain, Venezuela... You name a place, I know someone from there. There were even two guys who asked me to the camp dances.

Literally, my heart raced both times. The first time, it was weird because I barely knew the guy, and he didn't call my pretty. He called me "hot". Sure, I'll take the compliment, but trust me guys, it's better to call a girl pretty than hot. The next session, a guy from Nigeria asked me. We were in the same soccer intensive that morning, and his sister was in my cabin. His whole cabin came to pick my cabin up, to walk us to the dance. It was really sweet. Let's call the guy "P", held my hand the whole way while we talked about corruption and weird things in America. Yup, how romantic. There were only a few slow dances, but when they did play, we danced together. We were so close that our foreheads were practically touching! I never danced with anyone like that. It felt strange, but in a good way. A few of the girls in my cabin said he was leaning in to kiss me (!!!!!), but I didn't notice. It would have been nice to have my first kiss like that. I mean, I'd never see him again, but then it wouldn't be so awkward. Plus, he left the next day because it was the end of camp. But before he left, he told me he liked me. Not just as a friend, like he had romantic feelings for me. That was a first. The whole experiance was a first, and not just with guys. I sang in front of the whole camp. Twice. I sang "Drops of Jupiter" by Train and "Blackbird" by The Beatles. My legs were shaking the whole time, but I got so many compliments afterward. All I could say was "thank you", because if I said, "No, I'm not that good of a singer", that would make me seem like I was fishing for more compliments, which would not be the idea.

I'm gonna miss camp so much. 6 years, hot damn. Next summer, maybe I'll go back as a CIT, but I know that I can't stay there forever. I'll have to get a "real job", whatever that means...

On another note, my eating wasn't much of a problem. I got sick once, but that was most likely because I had a big salad at lunch and dinner, so I "had too much roughage" according to the camp nurse. Sure, I skimped out on fats and carbs a lot, but only because I let myself have a treat from the camp store every so often. The "treats" would range from a fudge pop to Sour Patch Kids or Skinny Cow Ice Cream (they had it, and my day was made).

I gained a lot of muscle, too. When I got home last week, pre-season for volleyball started. I ran an 8 minute and 12 second mile yesterday. Hope I improve!

Enjoy the rest of your summers!

-Unknown Athena

P.S. Sorry this was such a long post. Hope I didn't bore you...

A Won Failure for Me!

Hey guys! My week has been decent so far. I have a science test 8th period that I barely studied for, and an outline for an essay for Romeo and Juliet due tomorrow. Yesterday, I went to a track meet, home, us against the town next to us. Their guys were really fast, and wrecked our guys. Our cgirls killed their girls. I did high jump and discus. For high jump, I jumped 3'6", which sucked. My seed is 4'6"... For discus, my best was 48'8". I'm not sure which place I got, but I know I wasn't last! My twin brother did well in his events too. I'm so jealous of him; he can literally eat ANYTHING he wants to eat, from salad to cookies to oil-drenched pizza and steak, and still doesn't gain weight! So many guys think that a girl's dream is to meet their perfect man. BULLSHIT. A girl's number 1 dream is to be able to eat anything they want and not get fat!

-Unknown Athena

OMGOMGOMGOMG I'M SORRY!

Woah I haven't posted here in quite awhile... Damn.... I'm really sorry :(! Anyways, the time I've been gone has been, interesting. Still in track. We had our first meet yesterday two towns over. Sadly, I sucked. Not even "bad day" sucked, sucked like the biggest failure ever. During the high jump, I couldn't even clear the first height of 4 feet! I literally had to hold back tears. At discus, I fouled all 3 tries. I couldn't get the discus in the lines, and the one time I did, I stepped out of the chalk circle by like, two inches.
Worst day? Yesterday. Even more terrible? Today. It's that terrible time of the month for me, and my cramps are so bad I couldn't even go to practice! Need some rest maybe, and lots of tea. Hope I don't loose weight from that :-/

Sorry for the short post. I'm tired and in pain and *cry* not a happy Goddess!

-Unknown Athena

P.S. On the brightside, I threw the discus a good 50-ish feet!

HAH! You Were WRONG, -ISTS!

Yes, that is what I call the people I see on Thursdays: -ists. I see my nutritionist and therapist so I just call them the -ists. They probably thought I was going to loose weight, but NOPE, I MAINTAINED! This is a first, because every other break I've had since the start of my ED, I've lost weight. But this time, I maintained. It must've been thought delicious cookies that me and S found in Maine. They were like a fudge-y, nutty... It was just too good to explain. Think of an underdone brownie with walmuts and huge chunks of chocolate, but as a cookie! I need to go to Maine again...

Hope you all had a good break. Back to school and, ew, Regents prep... Ulh...

-Unknown Athena

P.S. The -ists think that I might be able to start dropping an Ensure Plus and adding an energy bar soon! I'm starting track & field on March 12th, so they're a bit worried about that. But soon, one less 350 (100 fat cals) calorie drink!!!!

Just don't do it, honestly.

So I've been sick for the past week, and finally gave in and didn't go to school yesterday (Friday). Had to miss varsity's game, and emailed my coach telling her that. She probably won't play me in the next game. But she always does that. She never plays me. Actually, she played me a few times, but in a blink of an eye I'm out. It sucks. I've thought of quitting multiple times, but the season's almost over. I can handle it. Only 5 games left, and I'm done.

.......................................................

Now onto what I really wanna talk about: eating disorders. Yeah, the thing I've had for a year or so, it's done for me, I hope. But not for everyone. Today, I found a whole new part of blogs that freak the crap out of me: ED blogs.
Ever seen 'em? Ya know, the ones with the girls who talk about their binges and purges, weight loss, life problems, all that jazz. It's depressing to look at. It's not even interesting. It's sad. It's something you pity in a person. "Oh, they have an eating disorder, that sucks," the worst part is that you can only comment on their posts and hope the harsh truth gets to them. There are these bloggers who think that wasting themselves skinny by starving themselves and purging TV dinners is totally the norm, and that someone will eventually will help them. Well guess what? They won't. No one is going to help these people with the click of the computer mouse. You have to put in some effort, girls (and guys). I put in my effort. I take those damn Ensure Plus's every freaking day. They taste nasty, yes, but do I drink all 350 of those artificial calories, twice a day? Yes. I want to be healthy, I don't want to starve myself dead. If you want your organs to eat each other, get heart attacks, and get yourself killed, go ahead. But feeling sorry for yourself won't do you any good...

....................................................................................................................

Oh my GODDESS I finished my rant. Sorry about that, folks. I've just been really annoyed with this so I had to get it out of my system. As you can tell, I'm sick. I'm so sick that Ensure is starting to taste good! HELP ME!

-Unknown Athena

BUMP! SET! SPIKE! (NO, that was actually another SET)

On a serious note, I'm sorry I haven't posted in pretty much forever. Let's just say high school + volleyball + appointments + homework = recipe for no free time whatsoever. I currently don't like high school all too much. It's so... Boring. Nothing like in the movies with the mean girls and the drama and the ignorant teachers... It's so not what I expected!! But on a better note, both us (JV) and varsity volleyball won our homecoming games! They won 3/4 of the games they played (they play best 3 out of 5) and we won 2/2 (we usually play best 2 out of 3, but they wanted varsity to go so none of our spectators had to leave before varsity kicked arse). I also had to babysit a girl while doing all of this... Let's just say it was an interesting day. The football players watch our game (God knows why), and call out each hit we make. They failed most of the time, it was kinda funny, actually. And a lot of parents came and everyone cheered, and everyone except our opponents was super-happy... Spirit week is now over, and let the rest of the boring Freshman Year begin!

-Unknown Athena

P.S. Did anyone else win their homecoming games in their sports? Hope so! ;)
P.P.S. My doctor said I'm "doing well" so I can play volleyball for the rest of the season (given that I keep my weight up... Which will so happen)!!

I think it's Spring

Yup. It's that glorious time again; Spring. The Dofodils are blooming, the purple and white flowers that I-can't-remember-the-name-of-it's are popping up, and it's sunny. Nice, and sunny. I even have my piggies out. I just love my personal lawn mowers :).

You know what I love about springtime? Track and Field. A.k.a. the best sport ever. I love the high jump, it's my favorite event. I got up to 4'6 last year. Me and this other girl were the only girls left at that point, with about 6 guys who were super tall. But now it's hard to love track.

Why, you may ask? Because I have yet to tell my nutritionist I'm in track. She'll probably flip when she hears I'm doing some form of "strenuous activity". It's fun, and I love it. It's a good excuse to get some fresh air. I'm even typing on my patio in the backyard. Hopefully my laptop's battery can keep up. For the past few days, I've been thinking of ways to break it to her. But what if she makes me quit? Or if I lost weight doing it?! I'm so nervous, even though she had said "I don't have any expectations for you". But what the heck does that mean?!?!?! So if I loose a pound she won't get mad? Or she just doesn't think I'm capable of gaining weight (even though it's kinda true...)? And why do I feel like I've had this rant to you guys (or girls... Whatever...) in a previous post? Meh...

What should I do? I don't want to give up the sport I love, but I don't want to go back to the hospital. Please help me, I'm basically desperate. And no, all you weird people out there, I'm not desperate in that way!!

-Unknown Athena

P.S. I had to re-pot, well, re-cup, the apple plant. It's growing so well! I put an old pencil in it to keep it from bending. I'm so happy!!